How To Talk to Your Child About Sexuality and Gender Identity

By Concentric Counselor Myron Nelson, LCPC

Excerpt from Neighborhood Parents Network (NPN) blog: Is Your Child Questioning Sexuality or Gender? 

You have noticed that your child is becoming attracted to a child of the same sex or is engaging in cross-dressing.  Possibly your child is asking you questions about your own gender or sexual orientation.  You're probably wondering, Is this just a phase? Buckle up, because it’s not simple.

The answer is yes and no. Some children have a clear sense whether they’re lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender or queer (LGBTQ) from an early age and it never changes, while others might question and experiment with those identities only for a period of time. Most people report they have a sense of their sexual orientation and gender identity around 10–13 years old. But that does not mean several people won’t experience periods of time where they may be attracted to someone of the same sex or wish to express their gender differently at any age.

Thinking about whether these changes are temporary is really just the beginning step to asking, What should I do? And luckily that answer is simple and can be summed up in 3 tactics: Be loving, ask questions and educate yourself. Before I explain the benefits of following these 3 important steps, I’ll make a case against why not.

Want to know more about how to these 3 steps as well as what to avoid saying or doing with your child?  The entire blog can be found by clicking here.    

A Window Into Helping You Understand Boys And Emotions

By Concentric Counselor Myron Nelson, LPC, LCPC

Excerpt from Neighborhood Parents Network (NPN) blog: Help Your Boy Express All of His Emotions  

The contributing factors and consequences on why boys are viewed as less emotional is an area worth consideration, but for purposes of this post, it is simply for those who see it as an issue and yearn to address it. I want to share some helpful and practical ways for you to improve young boys’ emotional IQ.

The best kind of care is preventative.  A good starting point is helping boys explore emotions by starting with what they know. Look to the people they interact with regularly —in person or in fantasy—as a way to talk about emotions and feelings. Bring up emotions in their space and domain. Books, video games, and movies are all driven by character interactions and are full of openings to begin conversing about feelings, especially if there is a mismatch and incongruency between what someone is saying and what someone is doing.

If boys mention that someone was angry or nervous, you could ask, “How did you know?” Inquire about what cues they observed: Was it their body language?  Facial expression? Words they verbalized?  It can often feel safer to talk about other people’s experiences and emotions instead of ourselves.

To read the full blog, please go to Help Your Boy Express All of His Emotions post.

Parenting Advice in 4 Words: Be Calm, Be Present

By Concentric Counselor Michelle Taufmann, LCSW

Excerpt from Neighborhood Parents Network (NPN) blog:  "The Only Parenting Advise You Need in 4 Words"  

Over a dozen years of parenting and dozens of books on parenting later, my advice to parents out there is: Forget about it. 

We are bombarded by so much advice, it is difficult to retrieve “to do's” from our cluttered memory banks especially when faced with parenting challenges. We absorb on a daily basis a litany of advise —advice on how to get fit, how to save for retirement, what to put in our bodies, how to keep our homes maintained, how to manage office politics, etc.  It’s advice overload. And if the adage “keep it simple” applies to anything in our lives, it’s parenting.

I say the only advice parents need comes down to 4 word: Be calm, be present.

Want to know more about how to be calm and present when parenting?  The entire blog can be found by clicking here.    

How to Bring Up an Important or Sensitive Topic to a Person?

By Concentric Counselor Jennifer Larson, LCPC, NCC

It’s been six months since my last blog post, so it’s much overdue.  There has been no shortage of topics to write about as they perpetually swirl around in my head – it’s now just a matter of carving out the time to be intentional about writing again.  So, here I go. 

This is one of my favorite topics as it comes up fairly regularly in sessions, not to mention I love helping people to learn how to establish and maintain boundaries while learning how to be a better communicator. Please know this blog just scratches the surface as there are many facets when it comes to boundaries and communication, but at least these pointers can be the launching pad you need to start. 

People consistently ask how to bring up an important or sensitive topic to a person while at the same time not hurting their feelings, making the situation worse, or coming off as a jerk.  While we cannot ultimately control the outcome of the interaction or the other person’s feelings, we most certainly can prepare and use an approach that can increase the chances of a better outcome keeping in mind integrity, respect, and boundaries. 

For some, it takes a lot of courage and strength to confront a person. So, if this is you, give yourself a pat on the back for taking this difficult step.  Some people may feel somewhat comfortable or even enjoy confronting, but may neglect to do it somewhat well.  Whatever your situation is, just remember it may be awkward to learn something new, it’s okay to make mistakes along the way.  You will get better with further learning and practice.  As we therapists love to say, “It’s a process.” 

One of the first things to consider is what is your intention (or goal) for bringing up an important topic to another.  Is it to clarify a situation, better understand another, ask someone if they can meet a need of yours, or come up with a solution?  For purposes of having this conversation, try to clearly define your intention(s) coming up with only one or two.  If there are more areas to cover with this person, you can parcel out over time with several conversations.  But for this initial conversation, you don’t want to fire off a litany of items all at once. 

Ok, so you now have your 1-2 intentions.  Next, you will want to ‘invite’ the person to have a conversation with you.  You do not want to spring it on this person when he or she least expects it.  You want to be mindful of not only when you are available to provide your full attention, but also when the other person is completely available.  The invite can be, “I would like to talk to you about something that is really important to me, are you around to chat tonight over dinner or tomorrow morning?” 

The day, time and possibly place have been pinned down.  Next is the anticipation of actually having the conversation.  You may be fraught with anxiety, fear, or other unpleasant feelings.  If this is the case, it’s perfectly normal and okay.  Keep in mind, the other person may be just anxious.  Just remember this person and topic are important to you, and you are approaching this person with your best intentions and method of communication. 

The time has come to engage with one another.  You can warm up the interaction by either acknowledging or thanking the person for being open to talking or you can briefly state something that is positive about that person or the two of you.  This warm-up can help ease both of you into the conversation while setting a positive (or even neutral) tone.

After easing in, you will share your thoughts and feelings by speaking from an “I” position versus opening the dialogue with “You.”  Speaking from an “I” position shows accountability and ownership whereas entering the conversation with “You” can put the person on the defense.  For instance, “I have been bothered lately by the lack of connection or sex between us”, “I have concerns about our how you address disciplining our child and want to learn more about your position on this”, “I am feeling overwhelmed and would like some support from you with the household chores" or "I would like to talk about the restaurant incident the other day.”  Remember you are the one who ultimately wants this conversation, so it is up to you to share you (your thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and beliefs). 

Try your best not to blame the other person, be critical or judgmental, talking down to the person or going into demands and commands.  Also, try your best to suspend those pesky loaded terms, such as “always”, “never” or “should."  Use these words judiciously as they often do not depict complete accuracy (e.g. You never compliment me; You are always rude) not to mention these words can convey judgment and criticism (You should want to be a better partner to me; You should know what I want). 

Also, be mindful of your tone, choice of words, body language, including facial expressions.  Eye-rolling, using offensive language, speaking in a patronizing tone or yelling, sitting with your arm crossed are some examples that will undermine the conversation.  You want to work towards conveying both verbally and non-verbally openness, equity, and respect. 

So, you’ve shared your thoughts keeping these key items in mind, now what?  Depending on the topic or person, the conversation can go in a variety of directions.  For brevity sake, let’s say worse-case scenario is this person reacts negatively to you.  Depending on the type of negativity, you may need to remove yourself from the conversation, pause the conversation until both of you are in a better spot to chat constructively or you can redirect the interaction by expressing your overall intention and that you would like to reciprocate by also fully listening and understanding the other person.  You can ask for a commitment that both of you will try your best.  It’s okay if the two of you may not agree or feel the same way.  For you, you are learning how to bring up an important topic to another with a few tools in your bag.  

Go ahead, and give it whirl -- you're on your way to learning how to approach people with topics that matter to you!      

What Age Do You Start Talking About Sex With Your Child?

By Concentric Counselor Jennifer Larson, LCPC, NCC

This is such a great question, and we are glad you are interested in talking about sex with your children.  Many parents generally tend to get squeamish, anxious or shy away from bringing up this very important topic with their children.  Ideally, it’s best to start in early childhood, but it’s never too late to start.  In this blog, we will focus on children ages 0-7.  Yes, infancy because we are constantly talking in front of them, infants explore their bodies, and we start to form bonds and attachment during this period. 

Ideally, you will want to have several conversations – talking and listening - about sex with your child as he or she develops and ages.   

Before we share some guidelines, it is worth noting sex has various connotations and meanings.  Sex can be used to describe the biological markers of gender or it can fall on a spectrum to include one’s biological, genetic markers, internal and external sex organs, and hormones.  Sex can incorporate one’s gender identity, sexual identity and sexual orientation as well as sex can describe the various activities that involve a person (or persons) with or without their genitals.  And, we can think of sex when considering procreation.  Given there is not a universal or one size fits all definition of sex, it important to consider the various meanings and definitions of sex when engaging in discussions with your children.   

Here are some guidelines to think about when discussing sex with your child who ranges between 0-7 years-old.  Naturally, you will want to be mindful of your child's biological and developmental age.     

Body and Body Parts.  You can explain that people’s bodies come in different shapes, sizes and color, and over time, our bodies change.  Boys’ and girls’ bodies and interests can be similar and different.  Each person’s body belongs to that person, and it’s important to be mindful of people’s physical boundaries.  Some like to use the visual example of pretend you are wearing a swimsuit.  The swimsuit covers the most private parts of your body. Normalize to your child that it’s normal to be curious and touch all of your body parts.  It’s okay if your toddler has cute names for their private parts, but as they get older, you want to encourage them to use correct words for body parts, such as penis and vagina.

Conception, Birth and Delivery.  You can start by sharing that all living things reproduce, such as plants and animals. There are different ways to conceive or make a baby.  Parenting.com Talking to Kids About Sex suggests these explanations:  "When the penis and the vagina fit together, sperm, like tadpoles, swim through and out of the penis into a vagina to find an egg which gets fertilized.  The fertilized egg turns into a growing baby.  Mom has a uterus inside her tummy, where you lived until you were big enough to be born.  When you were ready to be born, the uterus pushed you out through Mommy's vagina."

Closeness, Touch, and Intimacy.  It’s okay to allow or at times encourage our child to give grandma or uncle a hug good-bye, but if your child is displaying resistance, no need to force the issue. You can ask your child what feels comfortable for him or her or offer an alternative such as a high-five or fist-bump.  You can explain sex or close affection can feel good and it's a way people express their affection and love for each other.  When people feel safe and loved, people give each other permission to touch each other in ways they want to be touched, such as holding hands or kissing each other, which can make them close and loved.  

Sexual Health and Protection.  When changing your baby's diaper, talk aloud about how you are going to clean your baby's bottom or bum.  Starting at toddler age, explain some behaviors warrant privacy, such as when you touch your penis or vagina, choose a private place, such as your bedroom or bathroom.  Educate and remind your child that Mom or Dad may touch your private body parts only when helping you get cleaned as you learn how to use the potty or use the bathroom.  It is important to inform your child the importance of taking care of his or her body to maintain good hygiene and health, such as washing our breasts.  A reminder that your doctor can only touch your vagina if you have pain or an infection in that area, but only when Mommy or Daddy are in the room with you.  Teach your child the importance of when and how to say, “No” to unwanted touch and when to tell a trusted adult (e.g. teacher, parent) you have been touched when you didn’t want to be or when you said “No” and it was not respected.

Freedom of Expression.  You can tell your child that people share same and different interests, and this is okay and acceptable.  You can encourage them to be free to express his or her interests and express themselves based on who they are.  Sharing stories about your own relationships throughout your life can be helpful to hear, such as how some friendships remain the same while others have changed.  The message is that over time, we will have different relationships or preferences with people as we grow and change.  

The important thing to remember is engaging in conversations about sex will be an ongoing process throughout your child’s life.  You may not have all the answers or get stumped by a question your child asks which is perfectly fine.  If this happens, you can respond by saying, "Let me think about that or I’ll get back to you with an answer." The important idea to remember is how you carry yourself and come across.  Displaying openness, willingness, and actively listening without responding with silliness or shaming is what matters most.  All of the answers are within reach as there is plenty of information on the Internet, at your local library, and through your support systems.  Pat yourself on the back for asking this important question, and enjoy your journey as you start talking about sex with your child!  

Here a few resources to check out:

It's So Amazing!: A Book About Eggs, Sperm, Birth, Babies and Families by Robie H. Harris

It's Not The Stork!: A book About Girls, Boys, Babies, Bodies, Families and Friends by Robie H. Harris

What's The Big Secret?  Talking About Sex With Boys and Girls by Laurene Krasny Brown

"Talking to Kids About Sex." www.parenting.com,  Meredith Corporation Women's Network. Web.  June 2016.

Ask The Therapist? My Spouse Won't Talk to Me - What To Do as We Go Through a Divorce?

By Concentric Counselor Jennifer Larson, LCPC, NCC

I'm going through a divorce.  My spouse is avoiding all communication.  How can I get my spouse to engage in conversation regarding proceeding with the divorce, splitting assets and beginning the paperwork?

Going through a divorce is one of most stressful events for people to go through.  It sounds as though you are willing and ready to communicate about certain aspects of the divorce process (e.g. legal), and your spouse is not. Your spouse's reluctance to communicate to you could stem from a variety of reasons, such as not feeling the same way about divorce as you or not ready to confront and deal with certain hardships that go with divorce.  

For instance, if you were the one who wanted and initiated the divorce, you may be more eager to get things moving along.  It's possible your spouse may be still processing the divorce, feeling more connected and in touch with his/her feelings about the demise of the relationship (versus wanting to think about and start preparing and planning the divorce).  Also, it could be your spouse's way of gaining control or making you sweat and stew if the decision was not mutual or if other events occurred in the marriage that may have led to divorcing (e.g. infidelity).  Possibly your spouse has had a long-standing history of struggling with engaging in communication.

Your question is more related to "How Can I Get My Spouse to Engage...?  Without knowing your and your spouse's details and how long this has been going on, I can give you some information to think about that I hope will be helpful.   

1.  How is your approach when trying to engage your spouse?  It is difficult for you to manage your emotions, thoughts, or behaviors with your spouse?  Try to be mindful of these areas, such as paying attention to your tone, delivery, non-verbal behaviors, and choice of words you use.    

2.  How realistic are you with your timeline?  For instance, if the two of you just separated or if either one of you just expressed wanting a divorce, you may need to sit a little more and be patient with the next steps.  Engaging in support of friends and those you trust (maybe a divorce support group) during the 'waiting' periods is important self-care.  

3.  It's important to convey on some level empathy, respect and mindfulness (as difficult as it may be to do).  An example would be to express that you are mindful that s/he may not be feeling the same way or you recognize there are differences in how the both of you are approaching the divorce.  

4.  Share your position effectively with your spouse, such as I am ready and willing to discuss the legal parts of divorcing, and ask or invite your spouse to talk about this with you.  You can ask when your spouse will be willing and ready to talk about starting the paperwork.  Can the two of you agree to a time by meeting in the middle?  

5.  If you are engaging in these steps and your spouse is stonewalling you, you can offer professional assistance to help the both of you, such as speaking to a therapist, counselor, a divorce mediator.  

6.  If all of these steps have been exhausted, then your next best bet is to consult with a divorce and family law attorney about his/her ideas about how to handle communication, and the overall process and steps proceeding with a divorce.  For some, it may be best for your and your spouse's attorneys to handle the communication versus you and your soon-to-be ex partner.    

Again, going through a divorce is one of life's most difficult challenges with typically ups and downs for most people.  Give yourself time and space to go through the process, and be sure to engage in good self-care during this time.  Remember, we cannot make or demand a person to engage, but we can most certainly increase our chances of engagement by controlling and modifying our process and approach.  

Ask The Therapist? What Does ADHD Typically Look Like in an Adult?

By Concentric Counselor Ashley Allis, LCPC, NCC

We continue the Ask The Therapist? series for people who attended a Small Business & Eco Fair and popped by our table to meet us and write down an anonymous question related to mental health and well-being issues that they or a loved one may be facing.  Over the next weeks, we will continue to post anonymous questions and our answers. So, feel free to re-visit this blog to see what others had to write.

Ask The Therapist? is to provide some helpful information, guidance, and resources only.  This information is not intended to give a diagnosis, provide treatment recommendations for a mental health disorder or to replace individual therapy. Make sure you see your doctor or mental health provider if you think you or a loved one may have symptoms of a mental health disorder which warrants professional help.

WHAT DOES ADHD TYPICALLY LOOK LIKE IN AN ADULT? 

Many are surprised to hear that adults can be diagnosed with ADHD.  ADHD symptoms can look (or manifest) different in adults than in a child where usually the underlying causes (etiology) are similiar. Some typical symptoms for adults are:

Disorganization:  Someone diagnosed with ADHD may struggle with time management and staying on top of certain tasks.

Forgetfulness: We can all be a bit forgetful at times; however, adult with ADHD forgetting routinely happens. 

Lack of focus:  Being easily distracted, difficulty listening to others in conversations and work settings, and overlooking details.

Hyper-focus:   On the flip side of ‘lack of focus’, there is hyper-focus. Sometimes a person with ADHD can be engrossed in an activity that is of interest to them. 

Poor listening skills:  It is not uncommon to hear reports from their partner or family member that they have to repeat themselves often. 

Impulsivity:   This means interrupting others, blurting out thoughts without thinking, and suffering from addictive tendencies. 

Emotional problems:  Adults with ADHD can feel their emotions are up and down. This can be caused by feeling bored by a lack of stimulation, sense of underachievement, and/or trouble staying motivated. 

Restlessness and Anxiety:  Feeling like you can’t shut off your motor or constantly feeling you need to move or be on the go.  Difficulty staying still in meetings, at work, dinner, or other situations which may require sustained sitting. 

For more information on Adult ADHD, check out:  http://www.adultadhd.net/childhood-vs-adult/ and http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/adult-adhd/home/ovc-20198864

To learn more about our specific services, check out: Individual Therapy and Teletherapy and Online Counseling