The Near Enemy of Love: How Complacency Erodes Connection
/Written by Concentric Therapist Anna Perna, LMFT*, ALMFT, MBA
Relationships end for many reasons. Some for clear cut reasons, others for more ambiguous reasons. As a couples therapist who provides outpatient couples therapy and couples intensives, I work with it all. And no matter the reason the relationship is ending, it can be heartbreaking.
One of the most challenging dynamics to witness has been when there are more ambiguous reasons for the relationship ending. The reasons that typically get minimized down to “growing apart”. Reasons that sound like: “We aren’t connecting anymore”. “We don’t have anything in common”. “We don’t have fun together any more”. What I have come to learn about the experience of growing apart, is that it is like a thousand tiny cuts and then suddenly waking up to feeling like strangers, which is all together disorienting.
A common pattern I see is a couple being together long term (many years), navigating demanding careers, trying to build a family, moving away from support systems, caring for aging parents, and being bogged down by the day to day that life requires. These stories seem benign. However, in digging deeper, what perhaps is happening is a deprioritizing of the relationship in order to navigate these other priorities. Which makes sense. Our time is not infinite. It starts with canceling one date night, and then another and another. Until suddenly it has been a full year or even years without one. It is deciding to not ask how your partner is after work like you usually do, and then letting that ritual fall away all together.
When the individual acts that served as the lifelines to the relationship slowly fall away, they create a type of complacency that silently erodes the relationship.
How I, As a Couples Therapist, Understand This Dynamic To Better Help Couples Navigate It
When I sit with couples in this place, one of the most common questions is: How did we get here? There’s no overt betrayal. No defining rupture. Just a slow drift that’s hard to explain.
A concept that has helped me make sense of this comes from a Buddhist teaching: near enemies and far enemies. A “far enemy” is easier to recognize. It’s the clear opposite of what we want. In relationships, that might look like neglect. But the “near enemy” is more deceptive. It looks similar to what we want on the surface, but underneath it creates disconnection.
In long-term relationships, we often think the goal is to nurture the connection. And most people aren’t actively neglecting their relationship. Instead, what I see far more often is more subtle: complacency. It can look like you’re showing up, talking, spending time together, managing life side by side. But the behaviors that actually nourish the relationship begin to fall away. You’re not neglecting the relationship. But you’re not quite nurturing it either. And that in-between space is where disconnection quietly grows.
FREE Photo by Jennifer Delmarre oN Unsplash
What does complacency actually look like in a relationship?
Complacency can be hard to notice if you aren’t paying close attention. The challenge is that it doesn’t feel like a problem while it is happening. It may even feel ordinary until the moment it creates distance.
In my work, here are some of the common ways it shows up:
1. Checking in with each other, but only talking about logistics
Seemingly ordinary. Even necessary to manage the day to day of life. It starts to create distance when the depth of the conversation never goes beyond the task. It is when we lack attunement to the humans in the relationship and prioritize execution.
2. Spending time together, but not being present with one another
Sitting on the couch next to one another, on your phones, in silence. Harmless. Until it feels more lonely to be in the same space with each other than actually being alone. The type of loneliness that begins by masquerading as contentment and slowly grows to withdrawal. Either way, when the weight of it hits, it is crushing.
3. Knowing everything about each other, but lacking curiosity to learning anything new
That feeling is endearing early in the relationship when your partner knows your coffee order or favorite restaurant. It starts to erode the connection when there is never room to be curious if the other has evolved.
4. Discounting the long term value of prioritizing the relationship in the here and now
Thinking they will have time to prioritize the relationship after they get through a particular phase. After the kids get older we will have more time for one another. Once I get a promotion. It makes sense. But how will you know you have time later?
No matter how it shows up, the distance slowly starts to become uncomfortable. Before the weight of the problem fully reveals itself, it can look like increased fights. Feeling like roommates and feeling all together confusing and disorienting. And then the moment of how did we get here, arrives.
The Antidotes to Complacency
As a therapist, I don’t have all the answers. Relationships are complex. What we do have is research that helps us understand how couples can build rituals that keep them actively engaged in their relationship.
In my couples therapy work, it’s just as important to identify the behaviors that nurture a relationship as it is to name the ones that erode it. While there is no one-size-fits-all approach, here are some ways to begin intentionally nurturing a long-term relationship:
1. Having a more robust weekly check in that also includes discussing your relationship, and each other's personal needs and stressors.
I often reference the idea of a “State of the Union” meeting from The Gottman Method. This is where they encourage couples to connect each week to discuss areas of concern within the relationship and even logistics. However, the focus is for attunement to one another's feelings so that the relationship doesn’t feel neglected. It adds depth to check-ins and prioritizes the human experience of the relationship.
Meeting weekly as a couple can feel stuffy and formal. Truthfully, in the beginning that will likely be true. The thing about building habits is that after a while they just become a part of your life.
Bottom Line: Is the relationship and the future of the relationship worth nurturing for 20 minutes a week?
2. Be intentional about the time spent together. Quality over quantity.
Time is not an infinite resource so asking couples to find time together can be a big ask. Because spending time together physically can easily become passive, focusing on quality, where both partners are physically and emotionally present with one another can be helpful. It may even be helpful to consider not using devices or screens. If couples don’t know what to do, trying something new even if it is just for 10 minutes can create a new connection.
Bottom Line: Spending time together should be focused on quality not quantity.
3. Continue to actively pursue one another and stay curious.
The longer you are together, the easier it is to feel like you already “know” your partner. And while that can bring comfort, it can also reduce the curiosity that keeps a relationship feeling alive.
In my work, I often help clients find simple, approachable ways to reintroduce that curiosity. One tool I frequently recommend is Gottman’s conversational card decks. They’re designed to spark connection through thoughtful, open-ended questions—helping couples learn something new about each other without the pressure of figuring out what to talk about.
Bottom Line: Stay curious. There is always more to learn about your partner. Maintaining connection is just as important as building the connection.
4. Build small rituals of connection
Building rituals of connection in a relationship can be small things such as: say good morning and goodnight, having coffee together, doing a crossword puzzle together. These become small moments that are built into the fabric of the relationship. These moments I have noticed are undervalued but when they are not present, they are missed.
This is one I personally like to spend time with clients to understand what a ritual might look like for a given couple, because they are a high value action for mostly little output.
Bottom Line: Building small moments of connection that become habits can compound over time to help build deep emotional connection with minimal effort.
One Size Does Not Fit All
Navigating challenges in a relationship looks different for every couple. There is no one-size-fits-all approach. For some, the realization of growing apart may feel like too much to bear, and the work becomes navigating what it means to let go. For others, there is a desire to rebuild and a willingness to do what that requires. No matter the path, my role is to support couples in finding a way forward that feels aligned with who they are and what they want for their relationship.
Resources
https://mbsr.website/news/near-and-far-enemies-fierce-compassion
Rituals of Connection: https://www.gottman.com/blog/6-hours-a-week-to-a-better-relationship/
https://www.gottman.com/blog/how-to-have-a-state-of-the-union-meeting/
*Anna has met all requirements for licensure as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) and is awaiting issuance of her official license.
About Concentric Counseling & Consulting:
Concentric is a mental health group practice offering individual therapy, couples and relationship counseling, tween and adolescent support, family therapy, couples intensives, and consulting and supervision services. Our therapists work with a wide range of concerns, some of which include anxiety, depression, mood-related challenges, complex and developmental trauma (C‑PTSD), relationship and family difficulties, school and peer issues, relational trauma, mind–body connection, life transitions, acute and chronic stress, grief and loss, identity and purpose exploration, substance misuse, and unresolved family‑of‑origin experiences.
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