Family Enmeshment: Loving Ties that Bind and Break
/Written by Concentric Counselor Jane Chang, LPC*, NCC
From the moment we enter the world, we all seek love, connection, and consistency. We all, however, don’t always get to choose how our caregivers will nurture that need. Sometimes the very people who love us most offer attention and affection in ways that feel unpredictable, overwhelming, or tied to expectations we never agreed to carry.
There is a unique kind of complexity in belonging to a family that is both a source of deep connection and real distress. Love from them can feel warm in one moment and then weighted with expectations. Understanding the pain someone has caused you does not diminish the love you experienced, and loving intentions do not automatically prevent harm. That is the tension many of us carry.
What is Enmeshment?
Enmeshment is a term used to describe relationships where personal boundaries are blurred, and identities become overly fused. It can feel difficult to separate your emotions, choices, or identity from your family’s identity and expectations. This can manifest in loving homes where roles become rigid and loyalty is prioritized above all else.
What are Boundaries?
“Internet therapy” and popular culture often encourage impenetrable boundaries, as if distance alone is the solution. But that definition of a “boundary” can dilute the lived experience of collectivistic families or individuals who, for cultural, relational, or practical reasons, remain intertwined with family. For many, cutting off is neither realistic nor desired. Boundaries are meant to create a clearer understanding, define emotional responsibility, and reduce the quiet build-up of resentment within these complex relationships. Boundary setting at its core is about the internal work of understanding your emotional needs and accepting things you cannot control. Utilizing boundaries to differentiate yourself within your family system can interrupt generational patterns of enmeshment. It allows you to build an identity that is yours while remaining in a relationship with the people you love.
External boundaries communicate your comfort with distance, touch, time, and access. Internal boundaries are the personal limits you set within yourself to manage your thoughts, emotions, impulses, and expectations. They help you stay grounded, regulate your reactions, and stay aligned with your values even when external pressures arise. Healthy external boundaries express what you are comfortable with while recognizing that others have the same right to choose and communicate their comfort in their own space. Both internal and external boundaries rest on the belief that each person is responsible for their own thoughts, feelings, and actions.
FrEEPIK by PCH.Vector
Examples of Boundary Violations include:
Physical touch without the consent of individual
Looking through others’ personal belongings without their permission (e.g. wallet, purse, medicine cabinet, mail)
Dismissal of someone’s time and feelings
Asking intrusive questions about your one’s finances, relationship, or body based on various relational dynamics and/or after a person has indicated desire not to discuss it.
Continuing to debate or revisiting a topic after someone has clearly stated they no longer want to discuss it
Clear Communication of Boundaries include:
“I’m not always comfortable with physical touch. Please ask before hugging me.”
“I need my personal belongings and space to be respected.”
“I’m not comfortable with talking about that topic unless we set up some guidelines on how to share and receive.”
“I’ve shared my perspective, and I’m not open to continuing this conversation.”
“I notice we are both dysregulated. We can revisit this conversation when we are both grounded and our heads are clear.”
“I understand you’re upset, I want to support you, but I’m not responsible for fixing this.”
Enmeshed Roles
Enmeshment can show up as a loss of individual identity, patterns of codependency, and persistent feelings of guilt when attempting to prioritize oneself. The fear of disappointing a parent can begin to outweigh the desire to discover one’s own identity. In immigrant collectivistic cultural contexts, it is common for children to assist parents in navigating language barriers, social systems, or cultural differences. Offering this support can be an expression of love and shared survival. However, when the responsibility shifts from translating a language to an overhaul of management, over time the child learns that connection is maintained through compliance.
Within the caregiver or parent-child dynamic, specific roles often emerge as a way to stabilize the system. The Emotional Caretaker becomes responsible for managing the caregiver’s emotional or financial burdens, stepping in as a problem solver or mediator. The Golden Child receives validation through achievement and performance, internalizing the belief that worth is tied to success. The Scapegoat absorbs projected shame or blame, serving as a distraction from unresolved family conflict. The Lost Child maintains peace by withdrawing, suppressing personal needs in order to avoid adding strain. These roles can become embedded in the structure of the family and shape how each member understands their place. This can blend into their roles within friendships, work, or with their romantic partners.
The Foreignness of Boundaries
As an Asian American, I have felt how my choices have intertwined with my parents’ identity and how differentiating myself caused disruption. Guilt may surface as we witness how our boundaries cause confusion or hurt. Healthy guilt, explored in the post “Immigrant Guilt: Learning Self-Compassion to Honor Heritage and Healing” examines how this type of guilt reminds us of our values and the discrepancies between our actions and its outcomes.
The foreignness of boundaries applies to both the person setting them and the person receiving them. When a family system has operated with blurred lines for years, even healthy limits can feel unsettling. An unbalanced emphasis on loyalty, duty, and collective identity may frame boundaries as selfish or disrespectful. For the person setting the boundary, it can feel unnatural and disloyal. For the person on the receiving end, it can feel like rejection. The discomfort does not inherently mean the boundary is harmful. It often means the boundary is counter to a long-standing pattern. Growth frequently feels unfamiliar before it feels stabilizing. It is important to recognize that your boundaries will be met with varying degrees of acceptance and disappointment. “I need space” can be interpreted as “I am abandoning you.” A “no” can sound like “never.” Sometimes it is our work to gently translate what we mean and help build tolerance for change.
Grief can emerge when family roles and dynamics begin to shift. As explored in “Therapy as Grief Work,” grief is not limited to death. Survival patterns, even painful ones, can feel comforting because they are predictable. Making ourselves small, absorbing emotions, and avoiding disruption may have once protected connection. Letting go of those roles can feel like losing something known. In that loss, we are also gaining a sense of self, and hopefully with understanding and communication, we will also gain a healthier system.
Boundaries to Preserve Relationships
Boundaries are meant to preserve relationships while simultaneously respecting your own limits. Pia Mellody, author of Facing Codependence defines boundaries as a system to protect you from harm, prevent yourself from harming others, and to maintain your sense of self. Before implementing boundaries, it is important to assess your patterns. Having no boundaries might look like difficulty with saying no and losing your sense of self in others. Damaged boundaries are implementing inconsistent boundaries within different relationships. When boundaries look more like walls, they can often look like disconnection that results in anger, silence, and or fear. Begin by asking yourself, “Do I struggle with saying no?” or “Do I hold others’ emotions as my responsibility?”. Healthy boundaries are flexible and create guidelines that protect you emotionally, mentally, and physically while still allowing connection.
Internal work must exist before we extend external boundaries. Internal work requires understanding your own emotional needs and recognizing what is within your control and what is not. It asks you to tolerate discomfort, including other people’s reactions to your choices. It also involves accepting that love does not require self-abandonment. You are responsible for your own emotions, expectations, and treatment of self. Violation of internal boundaries can look like self-shaming, yelling, harsh criticism of self and others, unspoken expectations, or blaming others for how you feel. When boundaries are grounded in the responsibility of your own work, they clarify emotional responsibility and reduce resentment over time.
Not all family relationships will easily adjust to negotiated expectations. As you begin to distinguish your identity from theirs, it becomes essential to practice honoring your needs. The goal is not disconnection, but a network that is enduring. Boundaries are about recognizing what is yours and respecting what belongs to others. Love does not have to bind so tightly that it breaks. When we learn to differentiate with care, we create room for connection that is chosen.
*In the summer of 2025, Jane has met all requirements to obtain LPC licensure. Awaiting for official license to be issued.
About Concentric Counseling & Consulting:
Concentric is a mental health group practice offering individual therapy, couples and relationship counseling, tween and adolescent support, family therapy, couples intensives, and consulting services. Our therapists work with a wide range of concerns, including anxiety, depression, mood-related challenges, complex and developmental trauma (C‑PTSD), relationship and family difficulties, school and peer issues, relational trauma, mind–body connection, life transitions, acute and chronic stress, grief and loss, identity and purpose exploration, substance misuse, and unresolved family‑of‑origin experiences.
Many of our clinicians and therapists also bring additional areas of specialization, which you can explore on their individual bios.
We provide care 7 days a week, with in‑person sessions available at our Chicago offices in The Loop and Sauganash, as well as virtual teletherapy for added flexibility. If you are ready to learn more or get started, reach out to us here.