Rupture & Repair: The Relational Process of Conflict and Resolution
/By Concentric Therapist Kaitlyn Folkes, LPC, NCC, RYT, CCTP
Conflict
Notice what happens in your mind and your body as you read the word “Conflict” and think about what it means to you. What stories, histories, and felt experiences do you attach to the word itself? The idea of conflict might be very scary and stressful. Most people want to cringe, hide, or run when they hear the word. You might associate it with violence, anger, anxiety, and/or isolation and abandonment.
And yet, conflict is natural. It’s an inevitable part of being a person and being in relationships with other people. Conflict is not inherently a bad or negative thing. In fact, we actually need some amount of conflict to deepen connections with ourselves and others. Conflict is often the impetus for learning, growth, and transformation.
That said, it is not normal to be chronically stuck in conflict that is hindering us from thriving in our relationships, work, and communities. If conflict is holding us back or keeping us stuck, it’s a signal that we need to adjust and take a different approach. It’s a signal that we haven’t been able to repair yet.
It starts within
Every person is unique. Differences are beautiful and necessary. They can also be deeply distressing for people sometimes. As a therapist, I often see people struggle accepting that their partner, friend, family member, etc., is different from them, other. Yet, we need our differences just as much as we need our likeness, our sharedness, our collectiveness.
Conflict isn’t simply an external experience. So first, identify the conflicts within yourself. It is human and natural to have conflicting thoughts, feelings, and experiences. This is another area where people tend to get stuck. I’ve been there myself quite a few times! The solution is not necessarily to erase the conflict. The solution is to hold all of it at once and to expand your capacity for nuance. Two things can be true at once, even if they are contradictory.
Moving towards the middle way
Black and White Thinking, or Dichotomous Thinking, is a cognitive distortion where people view situations, themselves, and others in extremes. Some common examples of this are Good/Bad, Right/Wrong, Success/Failure, and Always/Never. Our brains love binaries. There is an evolutionary purpose here. Our brains are efficient, and placing things into neat categories has helped us make quick decisions and survive. Since our brains love binaries, our societies and cultures are full of them. Sure, some things do fit neatly into categories and are straightforward. However, the majority of human experiences are not black and white. I’d argue that most situations and experiences fall more into a grey area. I believe that one of the best things that people can do to improve their mental health and relationships is to learn how to see the “gray area” and find the middle ground. My clients know I am a proponent of this middle path. The Middle Way is a Buddhist concept that philosophically means avoiding rigid, dualistic thinking and practicing balance through mindfulness and nonattachment.
Our brains and bodies are literally designed to detect threats and survive
Over time, our nervous systems may habituate to certain responses. When conflict arises, it can be helpful to get curious about what your nervous system tends to do. Ask yourself, when conflict arises, what does your nervous system tend to do? Fight, Flight, Freeze, and/or Fawn? Do you notice shifts in your body such as constriction, agitation, shutdown, appeasement, or urgency? What sensations, emotions, or impulses tend to arise? What feels protective in those moments? These patterns often happen automatically and outside of conscious awareness, especially when something in the present moment is activating older experiences of threat or disconnection. Ask yourself: What are the ways I punish, push away, hurt, and stonewall? Accountability also starts within.
Relationships are a two-way street
Let’s say you’re annoyed with your partner because they do X, Y, Z. Go deeper within yourself. What is annoying about it? Where does that come from? Does it remind you of someone or something else? What other feelings are present? Is there some resentment or grief at the core of that annoyance? What are you doing to contribute to the dynamic between you and your partner? What else is going on that could be contributing to or amplifying your feelings?
Photos courtesy of unsplash (free) by Chris Sabor and Charles Jackson
What is Rupture and Repair?
Relationship rupture is any break in connection, safety, and trust caused by conflict, hurtful remarks, or misunderstanding. Repair is the process of resolving that disconnect. It is not about avoiding conflict, but returning to one another to restore emotional safety, understanding, and trust. Rupture without repair looks like ignoring, avoiding, prematurely smoothing things over, or sweeping things under the rug as if they never happened. Unresolved conflict creates distance and breeds resentment over time. Left unresolved, it festers and eventually bleeds out into other relationships and/or comes out explosively. Unresolved resentment is like a tightly sealed bottle of carbonated liquid. Every fresh hurt or each memory acts like a shake to the bottle, building invisible pressure. Over time, that pent-up tension simmers and festers beneath the surface, guaranteed to explode the moment the cap is finally unscrewed.
Without that needed release, our bodies can literally become sick. Repairing is related to longevity. The quality of your relationships and how well you repair them after a rupture is directly related to your long-term health. Nurturing relationships lowers stress hormones (cortisol, adrenaline, and noradrenaline) and protects brain health. Close relationships soothe your nervous system, protect cardiovascular health, and reduce cognitive decline. How cool is that?
Self-Regulation Before Co-Regulation
If your sympathetic nervous system is activated, it is not the time to engage in a repair conversation. The Gottmans use the term flooding to describe a state of intense physiological and emotional overwhelm during conflict. When flooded, your nervous system perceives your partner as a threat, triggering a fight/flight/freeze/fawn response that makes rational communication biologically impossible. When one’s nervous system is stuck in a stress response, words often fail. Therefore, it’s important to first take some time and space to self-regulate before initiating a repair conversation.
Sometimes, it’s necessary to take breaks during the conversation as well. Pay close attention to your internal cues and your partner’s cues. Soften your gaze, make sure it’s warm and gentle. Speak slowly, softly, and at a low pitch. Sit beside each other and naturally sync your breathing to help calm your collective physiology. If physical touch is generally welcome and safe in your relationship, small gestures help release bonding hormones (oxytocin) to overwrite feelings of tension: Wrap your arms around each other and breathe in unison until your nervous systems settle. Place a hand gently on your own heart, or ask for consent to hold theirs. If the air is still heavy, skip deep processing. If they need space, communicate availability without pressure: "I'm here whenever you're ready. Take all the time you need." Separate and cool down for at least an hour. Do a relaxing activity for yourself during that time. If staying together feels accessible, focus on the basics, like making a cup of tea or drinking a glass of water, or engaging in low-pressure activity together, like taking a walk.
How to Repair
Many people believe that repairing means saying “I’m sorry” after causing harm. It’s not that simple, though. Repair is actually about rebuilding emotional safety in the relationship. That’s more important than saying a simple apology and earning forgiveness.
We repair when feeling seen, heard, and understood
We practice repair by really listening to what the other person has to say about how they feel. Active listening involves containing and suspending the desire to defend oneself. This can be challenging. It’s natural to hear feedback and go into a self-protecting mode. It’s natural to feel misunderstood and to begin explaining your intention. Feeling misunderstood can be very triggering for many people due to past experiences and trauma, and this might heighten the tendency to explain your intention. When someone follows the impulse to explain their intention too soon, the other person feels invalidated. So, we have to slow the process down. Stay with the other person’s experience longer. I often tell my couples to “hang out” in their partner’s experience for longer. That literally means letting them speak without interrupting, asking more questions, and continuing to validate their experience. Pausing and pacing are incredibly underrated and undervalued concepts! In the slowness, practice curiosity and validation. Here are some examples: “I can see how it landed in that way for you.” “That makes complete sense.” “I understand why that hurt you,” or "No wonder you are so frustrated.”
We repair by slowing down and being accountable
Another aspect of repairing is not expecting the other person to do the emotional labor of the repair. This is a really common sticking point I see in couples' work. Emotionally mature people do not expect the hurt person to immediately reassure them, help them calm down, or rush into forgiveness. We have to be responsible for our own nervous systems! If you find yourself falling into a shame spiral and need the hurt person to reassure you, that is a sign that you have some emotional growing to do. You likely need to seek out some extra support. That’s nothing to be ashamed of, and yet I understand that it likely feels very shameful. Again, it merely highlights that you may need to learn how to self-regulate and work through your shame and self-concept.
If you’re looking for individual support around relationship issues or conflict, Concentric Counseling & Consulting’s individual therapy services may be a helpful starting point.
Emotionally mature people can tolerate the discomfort of knowing they messed up without becoming overwhelmed or collapsing into self-hatred or victimization. Emotionally mature people get curious instead of getting reactive. They ask questions like, “How did that feel for you?” instead of trying to prove that they are a “good” person. Emotionally mature people care about understanding more than they care about ending the conflict. Before making it about yourself, ask for permission. You can ask something like, “Are you feeling understood enough for me to share some of my experiences?” If the answer is no, keep waiting for your turn. It will come! Consent is an ongoing practice, and it applies to literally every relationship and interaction.
Honesty can hurt, but lying is poison
It’s important to try and keep in mind that oftentimes we lie for very protective reasons. To avoid shame, activation, vulnerability. We need to hold space for all of that in order to be honest with ourselves and others. Resentment grows where honesty is missing. Honesty and openness are the foundations of an insightful dialogue. When we are practicing honesty, we have to stay committed to kindness. There is a line, and some things are just mean. Be intentional and thoughtful with your words. When I talk about pausing and pacing, I’m mostly referring to your internal experience. Take a breath, think about what you want to say before you say it. Trust that it’s a process, and you will have time. You do not have to get it right the first time. You do not have to articulate yourself perfectly. When you are in a dialogue that allows for space, slowness, clarity, and comprehension, it involves asking exploratory questions. Such as, “I’m hearing you say X, did I get that correct? Is that what you meant?” Both parties practice this until there is a shared understanding.
Repair is a collaborative process
Another part of the repair is collaboration. Problem-solving should not happen before active listening and validation, though. Hold off on this until it is appropriate. People rarely need solutions immediately after a fight. What they need is active listening and validation so their bodies know they are safe. Once safety has been re-established, agree on how you will handle similar triggers or conflicts in the future so both individuals feel secure moving forward. Orient towards a “we” mindset. Visualize yourselves as allies working to understand each other, not adversaries. It’s about getting closer and deepening the connection. It’s extremely helpful to conceptualize yourselves as a team. Affection and gratitude go a long way. Create small rituals of connection to keep the relationship and mutual respect alive. Plan to have regular check-ins about the relationship. What happens after rupture is what defines relationship health.
Repair is not about the perfectly worded apology or a grand gesture. Repair is about consistency. It’s about changing behavior. It’s about becoming aware of the pattern, taking responsibility for it, and actively working against reopening the wound. Repair is about embracing discomfort, staying with it, and moving through it. Repair is about staying committed to growth, and growth is uncomfortable.
Sometimes giving someone else a second chance is giving yourself a second chance. Don’t let the people you love forget that you love them. Show them you love them through your actions and your words being in alignment. Show them you love them through consistency. Love is a choice. Repair is love in action. It’s the daily, often difficult practice of choosing connection over winning an argument, and mending what is broken rather than replacing it.
“For me, forgiveness and compassion are always linked: how do we hold people accountable for wrongdoing and yet at the same time remain in touch with their humanity enough to believe in their capacity to be transformed?” ― bell hooks
“The work of the mature person is to carry grief in one hand and gratitude in the other and to be stretched large by them.” – Francis Weller
About Concentric Counseling & Consulting:
Concentric is a mental health group practice offering individual therapy, couples and relationship counseling, tween and adolescent support, family therapy, couples intensives, and consulting and supervision services. Our therapists work with a wide range of concerns, some of which include anxiety, depression, mood-related challenges, complex and developmental trauma (C‑PTSD), relationship and family difficulties, school and peer issues, relational trauma, mind–body connection, life transitions, acute and chronic stress, grief and loss, identity and purpose exploration, substance misuse, and unresolved family‑of‑origin experiences.
Many of our clinicians and therapists also bring additional areas of specialization, which you can explore on their individual bios.
We provide care 7 days a week, with in‑person sessions available at our Chicago offices in The Loop and Sauganash neighborhoods, as well as virtual teletherapy for added flexibility.
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