A Love Letter to Neurodivergence

Dear Reader,

This is for all the people who identify as neurodivergent; I hope you feel seen and validated reading this. This is for anyone questioning whether neurodivergence might be a part of their experience, I hope this answers some of your questions, or at least leads you in a direction that will. This is also for anyone who loves, is friends with, or works with someone who is neurodivergent. In a sense, this post is really for everyone. If you’re reading this and think you don’t know anyone who is neurodivergent, guess again. Neurodivergence is mostly an invisible experience. There’s a fair chance you’re in community with neurodivergent people and don’t know due to stigma, masking, and the simple fact that it’s often just not that obvious. 

Each person has the fundamental right to be loved and accepted for who they are without needing to change or conform to societal expectations. This is essential for neurodivergent individuals who often face significant mental health challenges largely due to societal pressures and stigma. When people are accepted as their true selves, it fosters a sense of belonging and reduces the isolation that exacerbates these mental health challenges. Supporting neurodivergent people means recognizing their unique strengths and needs and allowing them to navigate the world on their own terms. This contributes to an inclusive society where all people are valued and understood. 

What is Neurodivergence?

Neurodivergence is a term that is increasingly being recognized in mainstream culture. You may have seen this term circulating on TikTok or depicted more frequently in television and film. That’s because more people have identified with this experience in recent years. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), roughly 15-20% of the population identifies as neurodivergent, and that percentage is expected to keep increasing as awareness and research continue to expand. But, what does it mean to be neurodivergent?

The word neuro refers to the brain. Its Latin roots mean nerves or nervous system. Neurotypes simply refer to different types of brains. Neurodiversity broadly describes differences in cognitive processes and sensory experiences. Neurotypical is the way that most brains function. Our brains are all wired somewhat differently, so neurodiversity exists regardless of whether you have a neurotypical or neurodivergent brain. Again, you will likely encounter many neurodivergent people in life and never know. All of that is to say that neurodivergence is a term used to describe brains that diverge from the norm. It’s important to understand that there’s no “right” way for your brain to work. Diversity is always worth celebrating.

Neurodivergence is an umbrella term for many different kinds of neurotypes, such as Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), learning disabilities, and more. Synesthesia, Tourette's Syndrome, Dyslexia, Dyscalculia, Dyspraxia, and Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), all fall under this umbrella. Anxiety and panic disorders are more frequently considered a form of neurodivergence as well. The neurodivergent umbrella is constantly evolving as it is still a relatively new way of conceptualizing brain differences. 

ADHD and ASD are most typically associated with the term neurodivergent. ADHD is a neurodivergence (disorder) that affects someone's ability to focus and pay attention, sit still, and/or control their impulses. There are 3 types of ADHD, predominantly hyperactive, predominantly inattentive, or both. ADD is an outdated term because the predominantly inattentive type captures it. People with ADHD tend to need a lot of stimulation in their environment.

Autism Spectrum Disorder is a neurodivergence that affects a person’s ability to interact socially and increases sensitivity to senses. Autistic brains take in way more information because they have more neural connections. All brains go through a pruning system in early development where unnecessary connections between neurons are removed. Autistic brains do go through pruning, but not as much as a neurotypical brain. This is why folks with autism often need less stimulation in their environment. This contributes to what is called “autistic burnout.”  Stimming refers to repetitive or self-stimulating behaviors, such as making movements, and sounds, or saying words that people repeat. Stimming might occur at any time but is often used to calm or self-regulate when someone is overwhelmed. Among other behaviors, stimming might look like someone clapping their hands, tapping their feet, or rubbing or picking their skin. Echolalia is common in autism and involves an involuntary repeating of words or phrases.

AuDHD is a combination of both Autism and ADHD. This probably isn’t a term you have heard of unless you participate in neurodivergent communities. This can be confusing because Autism and ADHD may seem like totally different experiences. There is some overlap though. Both ADHD and Autism are interest-driven. Hyperfocus, the tendency to become completely absorbed in a task, is common in both ADHD and ASD. People with ADHD and ASD tend to experience rejection sensitivity (experiencing rejection more intensely than others) and time blindness (difficulty managing and perceiving time). Before the release of the most recent edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), it was thought that the two conditions could not co-exist. This highlights how this area of understanding is continuously expanding with new research.

Masking is a term used to describe a process by which people may hide their neurodivergent traits and tendencies in attempts to appear normal. Masking can be intentional or an unconscious process learned and adapted over time. This is a term that has been historically used in the Autism community but has been increasingly used for other neurodivergent or mental health experiences. Masking is a strategy that helps people manage social situations, school, and work. It’s a tool people rely on to manage and achieve in those settings, however, it can result in psychological costs. For example, masking can be exhausting and often leads to burnout. It can also be invalidating and cause tension about one’s identity. Some people are high masking, meaning they can conceal their symptoms more, while others are low masking. High support needs and low support needs are also functional labels that are sometimes used within Autism communities. High functioning and low functioning are outdated terms because they are offensive and problematic, and don’t fully capture the complexity of experiences on the spectrum.  

What’s it like being neurodivergent?

There’s nothing wrong with being neurodivergent. Remember, different isn’t bad. It’s okay to have needs that are different from other people’s. Many qualities that neurodivergent people possess turn out to be gifts that can help them excel in their careers and lives, such as heightened empathy and compassion, unique perspectives, advanced problem-solving skills, attention to detail, the ability to hyper-focus, creativity and imagination, and a passion for social justice and fairness. One thing I want to be careful of though, is sounding too much like a cheerleader. For neurodivergent people, the struggles are so real.

Most challenges arise for neurodivergent individuals because the world is structured for neurotypical brains. It’s not just having this neurotype alone that causes dysregulation, but rather, certain environments that send the neurodivergent individual into sensory overload or burnout over time. Being neurodivergent is often traumatic for people. Quite literally, a neurodivergent experience involves some degree of nervous system dysregulation, especially in cases of ADHD, ASD, and sensory processing disorders. 

Nervous system dysregulation is a key component of trauma. Psychologist and founder of Somatic Experiencing, Peter Levine’s definition of trauma is anything “too much, too soon, or too little (i.e. in cases of neglect)” for our nervous system to handle. I appreciate this broad definition of trauma. This helps us understand that trauma is not only about the event itself but how our bodies interpret the experience. Peter Levine also defines trauma as experiencing fear in the face of helplessness. There’s a lot of overlap with how trauma and neurodivergence presents. 

Everybody has a nervous system. The nervous system runs throughout our entire body and has different states. The sympathetic nervous system state is known as the “Fight or Flight” response to a threat. This state also includes other responses such as Freeze, Fawn (to please someone to avoid conflict), and Flop (to become unresponsive and faint). These are all survival responses. They are all primal and adaptive because they can help you survive. The parasympathetic nervous system state, known as the “Rest and Digest” state, is reached when the body is relaxed and can focus on internal processes like digestion. 

Dysregulated is another term you’re probably hearing more of. This happens when the parasympathetic and sympathetic nervous system are out of balance. Psychiatrist Dan Siegel, M.D., introduced the concept of the “Window of Tolerance”. The window of tolerance describes the nervous system at its optimal level of arousal, where people can access their executive functioning skills (thanks to the brain's prefrontal cortex that allows for planning, organizing, and regulating emotions), be present, and respond effectively. It’s characterized by a sense of groundedness, openness, and ability to connect with other people. When you’re out of your window of tolerance, you’re either in a state of hyperarousal or hypoarousal. Hyperarousal looks like hypervigilance, heightened anxiety, and irritability. Hypoarousal is also a stress response but looks like shutdown, numbness, disconnection from reality, and dissociation. In the long run, hypoarousal looks like burnout or depression.

Everyone gets dysregulated. Everyone’s window of tolerance is also a little different, meaning every person has a personal capacity to handle distress and tolerate big emotions and challenging experiences. There is nothing to be cured. Your body is designed to be in these different states, but it is important to be able to move in and out of them. The goal is to be able to stay regulated for longer periods and to be able to move from one dysregulated state back into your window of tolerance without getting stuck. It’s common for people to get stuck in a trauma state, and not even realize it. Trauma can shrink your window of tolerance and make you more reactive to stress. Neurodivergent folks tend to be chronically dysregulated. You can work towards widening your window of tolerance though. When you learn how the nervous system works and about various ways to get your body back into its window of tolerance, you learn how to become less reactive to stress and increase your capacity to experience the full range of your emotions.

Growing up neurodivergent is also a traumatic experience in and of itself. Neurodivergent kids attempt to fit in socially and meet developmental milestones based on standardized criteria. This is where masking comes into play. Many people experience deep shame about their differences and confusion about why they are the way they are. When neurodivergence is overlooked and not diagnosed, kids are often considered shy, weird, unique, and/or misunderstood. Growing up neurodivergent is especially traumatic if you are undiagnosed. Especially because there is not an obvious physical difference, neurodivergent kids tend to internalize beliefs that they are somehow like everyone else, but worse or defective. They will likely feel stupid or not good enough as they struggle to understand and accept themselves. 

What’s next?   

For the most part, people are the experts in their own lives. I hold this sentiment very close to me and it has been a guiding principle in my work as a therapist. Receiving a mental health diagnosis is generally fraught with both pros and cons. It can be especially empowering, however, for neurodivergent people to receive a diagnosis. These labels can help people understand that their brains are not broken, but rather they just work differently. Finding a label can be very comforting.

While aligning with a diagnosis can be very affirming, the process of getting assessed can be challenging as it can be expensive and time-consuming. The mental health world is catching up in the realm of neurodivergence. It may or may not be worth it to pursue an official diagnosis. Even in the mental health field, there’s a lot of stigma and misunderstanding. It’s difficult to identify and diagnose neurodivergence and there’s a long history of misdiagnosis. Historically, girls and people of color were not diagnosed with ADHD or ASD. Things are changing in recent years, but historically all disorders in the DSM were normalized based on middle-class white men. These experiences are deeply personal. No two people with Autism or ADHD are alike. There is a vast range of traits and tendencies that a person may or may not experience. Two people may have the same diagnosis yet experience a different set of symptoms. There are plenty of neurodivergent-friendly providers out there. It’s all about researching and using discernment when pursuing mental health care. There is also validity to self-diagnosis if one has done a lot of research, self-exploration, and sought out the help of a professional like a therapist or other neurodivergent folks with lived experience. If you need accommodations, you have the right to ask for those, whether you have a formal diagnosis or not.

You might be reading this and wondering how you can help the neurodivergent people in your life. Even though our brains are all wired slightly differently, all human brains are wired for connection. This is a basic need that we all have. For connection to occur, we must experience a felt sense of safety. In the 1940s, psychologist Abraham Maslow published the Hierarchy of Needs, a pyramid depicting the order of human needs from the bottom up. Physiological needs are at the lowest level, which includes the most basic things we need to survive, like food, water, clothes, and housing. Next on this hierarchy is safety. Once safety is achieved, love and belonging can occur. Feeling safe entails a sense of security and protection both physically and emotionally. Emotional safety involves knowing you can be yourself and express your thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment, harm, or rejection. Safety allows for relaxation, authenticity, and trust that your vulnerabilities will be respected and supported. Feeling safe in relationships fosters the ability to grow, thrive, and be confident.

As mentioned before, it can feel embarrassing and shameful to be neurodivergent and to talk about it with others. It’s very vulnerable to share about neurodivergent experiences, but it’s also necessary. You can create safety for your loved ones by building a warm, loving, and compassionate environment based on nonjudgment and curiosity. Consistency is important too. Check in regularly, plan around people’s particular needs, establish routines, and talk openly about differences. It signals safety to let your loved ones know that struggling is normal. Sharing and talking about it helps when we feel validated and cared for.

There’s also sometimes space to work through things collaboratively. If it involves your relationship, communicate how you can figure out what works best for each of you and be willing to make accommodations. If it is something they are sharing with you but does not involve you, check in about what the person’s needs are in sharing. A simple rule of thumb in any relationship (neurodivergent or not) is to say something like, “Thank you for sharing. I am here for you and want to support you. I am listening. Would you like me to simply validate and empathize with your experience or are you hoping for problem solving and solutions?” Oftentimes, what we need most of all is to feel heard.

People deserve to be believed about who they are and what they say their experiences are. Even if someone else’s experiences seem confusing to you or you do not think they are neurodivergent, that does not mean that you have a better understanding of who someone is. As I’ve laid out here, these experiences are layered and complex. There is a ton of misunderstanding and misinformation about neurodivergence in the general public. Many people do not have an accurate understanding of neurodiversity, although this is starting to shift with increased awareness and dialogue. Take it upon yourself to do further reading, listen to podcasts, join a support group, or simply ask and allow people to tell you about their experiences. 

So, it’s important to stay open-minded. Above all else, people deserve to be loved and accepted as they are, without pressure to change or fit into a box that was not made for them. This is especially important considering neurodivergent people are at much more risk for depression, anxiety, thinking about and dying by suicide, and substance abuse. This goes back to that deep-seated belief that “something is wrong with me.” But, nothing is wrong and nothing needs to be fixed. You can remind yourself and your loved ones that your brain works beautifully and is needed. Whether you’re on your journey of self-discovery as a neurodivergent person or you want to learn more about the neurodivergent people in your life, go slow and be gentle with yourself. It takes a lot of time and effort to change your patterns of thinking, learn how to regulate yourself, and have vulnerable conversations.

With warmth and gratitude, 

Kaitlyn Folkes, M.A.

References: 

CDC Data and Statistics (2024) 

https://www.cdc.gov/adhd/data/index.html

https://www.cdc.gov/autism/data-research/index.html

The Developing Mind Daniel J. Siegel (1999) 

The Myth of Normal by Gabor Matė (2023) 

Unmasking Autism: Discovering the New Faces of Neurodiversity by Devon Price, PhD (2022) 

Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma by Peter A. Levine, PhD (1997) 

Your Brain’s Not Broken by Tamara Rosier, PhD (2021) 

What Are Your Internal Dialogues Trying to Protect You From?

By Concentric Therapist Intern Mara Hundrieser-Acosta, B.A. (Clinical Mental Health Counselor M.A.)

I know I am not the only one that has internal conversations with different parts of myself. Just going back and forth with what I should have done, said, or even experienced. I recently lost my mother to cancer. When someone asks me “How are you doing? I answer with “ I am doing ok, just taking it one day at a time.” but on the inside, my brain is struggling. The actual answer in my mind is, “ I miss my mom, I wish I could see her.” and then another part of my mind answers “I have to cook dinner, wash clothes, put them away, and so much more to do, I feel so overwhelmed.” and another part says, “People will think you don’t have a handle on your life if you let them know how you truly feel.” So, I end up giving a generic answer and smile. 

The conversation inside my mind keeps going even though on the outside I am smiling and making small talk. Sometimes when we have been through hard times, we develop a strong voice that keeps us “in check.” When we view this through an Internal Family Systems (IFS) lens, it's called a Manager. We all have these internal conversations. No, there is nothing wrong with us; it’s just part of how we take care of ourselves internally. You might wonder what I mean about how we take care of ourselves internally. We all go back and forth with all of our parts to try to navigate our lives through stress, anxiety, depression, painful situations, and trauma. Through IFS we can learn what these parts need in order to feel at peace in our life. 

“IFS guides us to offer deep understanding and credible help to the critic and the innumerable other parts who populate our clients’ inner worlds, some of whom long to transform but are stuck in extreme, destructive roles.” -Schwartz & Sweezy (2020)

What is IFS?

Internal Family Systems (IFS), a model of therapy and an approach to better understand ourselves, was developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz. He has worked on the development of IFS for over 40 years.  Dr. Schwartz holds a Ph.D. in Marriage and Family Therapy and was trained to view and understand people through a systematic lens.  After years of working with families and individuals, Dr. Schwartz noticed how clients would speak about their different inner parts. Just like I shared my internal dialogue about being asked about me in relation to my mother. 

While in session with clients, Dr. Schwartz’s patients would share how they would go back and forth with different parts of themselves.  Dr. Schwartz noticed those parts also operate within a system similar to how a system of family operates. For example, a family system consists of different family members, roles or parts (e.g. parents, children) that interact with each other.  

If we look at humanity or systems with a very wide lens, we notice a system is always in place, starting with our solar system. Dr. Schwartz was able to recognize there is a system that consists of people’s inner parts.  These parts are called Managers, Firefighters, and Exiles. These parts have developed to protect us from harm, trauma, and difficult experiences that have left a wound inside our psyche. They all have a specific role that falls under a three-group system. All of our parts are good, even though they might seem mean or aggressive at times. 

The goal of IFS is to help people become Self-led, which means that their various parts feel loved by the Self and trust the Self’s leadership. IFS therapy has a gentle way to ease the pain of people’s experiences and parts and to help navigate the internal turmoil one often faces throughout life. 

The Roles of Parts: A Three-Group System

In order to understand further this three-group system we need to understand that each group or also called protective parts (Managers, Exiles, and Firefighters) doesn't have just one personality. There are different kinds of Managers; each one has its own role to play, as well as the Exiles and the Firefighters to protect us internally. These three-group systems work with each other and sometimes what feels like against each other in order to keep us safe internally. 

In other words…

One group tends to be highly protective, strategic, and interested in controlling the internal or external environment to keep things safe. In IFS, we call the members of this group Managers. 

A second group contains the most sensitive members of the system. When these parts feel injured or outraged, Managers will banish them for their own protection and the good of the whole system. We call them Exiles. 

A third group tries to stifle, anesthetize, or distract from the feelings of Exiles, reacting powerfully and automatically, without concern for consequences, to their distress as well as to the over-inhibition of Managers. We call these members Firefighters. 

Trauma & Internal Family Systems 

According to Schwartz & Sweezy (2020), internal systems (parts) that are responding to trauma not only divide into these roles, but the protective parts (Managers and Firefighters) also form alliances and get into conflicts with each other and can be very harsh or smothering with the Exile they are trying to protect or ward off. The sadder, more terrified, ashamed, rageful, or sexually charged an Exile is, the more protectors legitimately fear its release and the more extreme they become in their efforts to suppress and constrain them. In turn, the more an exile is suppressed, the more it tries to break out. In this way all three groups become victims of an escalating cycle of internecine* conflict. 

*internecine: destructive to both sides in a conflict.

Example: The more ashamed I feel about a traumatic event that happened to me the more scared the Managers and Firefighters are of me releasing or admitting this shame. So, the Managers and Firefighters will try really hard for me to suppress that shame. Which can mean one can begin to use drugs and alcohol to control that shame, or become very narcissistic in order to push it way down. The Managers and Firefighters believe that if one releases or admits this shame, it (the part) will ultimately fall apart. 

Childhood & Internal Family Systems

The Self can be forceful and protective. Children who have experienced developmental trauma or any abuse of their independence, spontaneity, leadership (or other traits that rely on courage themselves) begin to suppress their courageous side. It takes tremendous courage to go toward terrifying places in the psyche. Many protectors avoid stepping out of their roles because they believe the person would be weak and passive without them. Protectors always have intense fears about allowing clients to open the door to Exiles they locked away years ago in inner dark places. When a client says they are afraid to do something, we know a part in their inner world is speaking. But once the part understands the fearless nature of the Self, its fear (and emotional pain, shame, and rage) surrenders.

IFS Therapy has 4 Goals:

1. To liberate parts from the roles they have been forced into, freeing them to be who they were designed to be.

2. To restore faith in The Self and in Self-Leadership.

3. To re-harmonize the inner system.

4. To encourage the person or client to become increasingly Self-led in their interactions with the world.

So, What Does This All Mean? 

The intention of IFS is for the client to access, experience, and be Self-led, to feel safe, to learn their inner world, and understand how their parts work together or against each other in order to protect them. The more we learn and understand about our parts and what they are trying to tell us; it then becomes easier to identify when they get activated. Understanding who we are, where we have been, and what has hurt us, is what is going to give us the opportunities to heal ourselves. The end goal is to be able to be our own saviors, but to get there we must be willing to surrender and be open to learning. 

Once a person experiences faith in The Self and in Self-leadership, the IFS therapist seeks to help the client develop the Eight C’s. 

The Eight C’s

Curiosity: The client learns to be inquisitive, and have interest rather than be judgmental or fearful. This is where one comes with no agenda, one just wants to learn, know, and understand. There is a sense of feeling at ease and moving forward with wonder. There is a sense of safety that opens the door to vulnerability. 

Calm: After being in a high alert state, where one’s nervous system is often aroused, Self-leadership does the opposite by creating a sense of calm that is both physical and mental. The client is able to accept life on its own terms and there is a sense of resilience and assertiveness. 

Courage: When a client says they are afraid to do something in the inner world, we know a part is speaking. But once the part understands the fearless nature of The Self, its fear (and emotional pain, shame, and rage) surrenders. 

Confidence: The Self validates and comforts its Exiles bringing about an infectious air of confidence, conveying to protector parts that it is safe to relax instead of trying to “let it go and move on” (the typical protector advice that encourages people to abandon and isolate their burdened young parts), injuries can be healed. When Exiles are unburdened, the system becomes less delicate and less reactive, and protective parts are more inclined to trust Self-leadership. 

Connectedness: The Self, in its natural state, experiences the sense of connectedness. Instead of trying really hard to obtain a connection with someone, through trauma bonding.  The Self can now move through the world in harmony. Connectedness links with calm and confidence which altogether links up The Divine. 

The Divine: Through extensive research by Dr. Richard Schwartz this is what he describes as The Divine. “Though they used different words, all the esoteric traditions within the major religions – Buddhism, Hinduism, Christianity, Judaism, Islam – emphasized their same core belief: we are sparks of the eternal flame, manifestations of the absolute ground of being. It turns out that the Divine within – what the Christians call the soul or Christ Consciousness, Buddhists call Buddha Nature, the Hindus Atman, the Taoists Tao, the Sufis the Beloved, the Quakers the Inner Light.” 

Clarity: One can see things more clearly. The distortions are no longer in effect and the extreme beliefs ease as one can see authenticity. Our vision is clear when we see through the eyes of the Self versus when our vision is distorted through the eyes of extreme parts.

Creativity: It’s believed that once the inner turmoil and constant struggle start to quiet down and The Self becomes the leader (aka Self-led), creativity can emerge naturally. This means once the managers start to relax, we can problem-solve with greater ease which becomes second nature. 

Compassion:  Once a client finds some separation or healthy distance from their angry or scared part, they can now see these parts from a compassionate lens.  They can express how sad or sorry they are for those parts and are willing to help them heal. This inherent desire to help their suffering parts signifies and taps into compassion. 

---

I hope that after reading all this information there is a part of you that feels compelled to explore IFS. I want to say to “the part” of you that has that interest, that feels like it has been lost, in pain, or any other unresolved feelings; you are important and you deserve to be seen and heard. If you are wondering which part that might be, I am talking to your Self-led part; the part that might be hiding in the shadows for a while. 

We live in a time where we are overworked, overwhelmed, on the go, not getting enough sleep, expecting to be everything and nothing at all, where we have to walk on eggshells, but make a difference. It’s no wonder that our Self-led part feels so overwhelmed and just lost. This is the time when we need to slow down and rebel; which translates to going inside, getting curious about your parts, and reconnecting to who we truly are meant to be.

I know it might sound like a big ask, yet if you go back and read about The Eight C’s and imagine experiencing them, I think it’s all worth the journey of healing. The idea of feeling liberated is what motivates me through the IFS lens. I wish for you and my clients to feel liberated from whatever has been holding you back from being your most authentic self and be connected to your Divine. 

So, next time you have those internal conversations bring awareness to what each part is saying, and ask them what they truly need. They are trying to protect you even if they might sound very harsh or act maladaptively; they just haven’t learned a better way, yet, to communicate with you. Even if you don’t think you have the power within you to heal, to reframe those inner dialogues; you actually do, it’s inside you.

Resources for Consideration

Books: IFS online store | IFS Institute 

Videos: Dr. Richard Schwartz explains Internal Family Systems (IFS) Dr. Richard Schwartz Has A Radical Approach To Healing

Podcast: Multiplicity of the Mind: An Approach To Healing the Inner Self | Dr. Richard Schwartz X Rich Roll

Where’s My Person? Complexities of Adult Friendships

By Concentric Counselor Kelsey Lamm Rottmuller, LPC, NCC

How do I feel by the end of the day? / Are you sad because you're on your own? / No, I get by with a little help from my friends — With a Little Help from My Friends | The Beatles

There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you / We stick together and can see it through / 'Cause you've got a friend in me — You’ve Got a Friend in Me | Randy Newman

If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends / (Gotta get with my friends) / Make it last forever, friendship never ends — Wannabe | The Spice Girls

And as our lives change / Come whatever / We will still be / Friends forever — Graduation (Friends Forever) | Vitamin C

Having come of age listening to song lyrics like these, and wistfully witnessing the implausible but admirable portrayal of kinship in the 90s sitcom Friends, I,  like many adults, developed certain ideas and expectations about friendship. For example, I grew up believing one should have a best friend and know how to not only make friends but keep those friendships thriving into adulthood.

But what happens when making friends isn’t as simple as swapping parts of your lunch with a classmate, or performing in the school play together? Even in college, school and extracurricular activities provided fertile ground in which the seeds of friendship could blossom, helped along by common interests and schedules structured around shared classes. Once the structured environment of school is removed and we are left to choose our own adventures, the work of maintaining and definition of friendship seems to dramatically shift for many adults. What perhaps once came relatively easily, now actually takes planning, work, and dedication.

In her Psychology Today article 5 Lies About Adult Friendships, Dr. Miriam Kirmayer unpacks and debunks commonly-held myths about friendships in adulthood. Primarily among these is that “by early adulthood, we should know how to make friends and handle the challenges that come with these relationships; that these are skills we learn early in childhood and adolescence, and that by the time we leave college or even high school, we should have it ‘figured out.’ The problem is, not only is this belief untrue, it can make us feel like we’re the only person who struggles and leaves us feeling disappointed, ashamed, or alone. This, in turn, makes it much less likely that we will reach out for guidance or support if (or when) we do struggle.”

The Struggle is Real

I’ve heard from clients, colleagues and compadres alike how challenging it can be to keep friendships alive, reciprocated, and not feeling like one more thing on a never-ending to-do list. Despite all the best intentions, life as an adult becomes increasingly busy as we fill our time with work, family, continued education, and expanding responsibilities. People move away, start families, follow jobs and hustle hard to build a life. This can leave little time and space for what feels like the luxury of friendship.

A friend from college once told me (before moving away and starting a family) that “being friends as an adult means you take turns texting each other ‘we should get together soon’ repeatedly until you die.” While that statement seemed morbid and pessimistic at the time, it also resonated with me as one of the many struggles faced in adult friendships. Everyone is so busy. Not spending time investing in and invigorating friendships can simultaneously feel like an uphill battle and a source of regret or shame.

Then there are those ‘rites of passage’ in adulthood that can make the lack of a best friend or even close friends acutely apparent. In the 2009 buddy/romance film I Love You Man, we see played out the challenge that can arise when one finds a partner to whom they want to commit but struggles to identify a platonic companion to stand by their side. This film has come up in my work time and again when discussing the loneliness and isolation experienced by clients who struggle similarly to identify close companions outside of family or casual work acquaintances. But why do we feel so driven toward close friendships? Why doesn’t simply having a safe, stable life, perhaps even shared with a romantic partner seem like enough?

The Psychology

In his Psychosocial Development Theory, ego psychologist Erik Erikson posited that young adults (defined by Erikson as ages 19-40 yrs) enter the Intimacy vs. Isolation (Sixth Stage) of development, in which they seek to resolve developmental conflicts related to emotionally intimate relationships. These relationships may be romantic and/or platonic in nature. Erikson believed that failure to resolve said conflicts by establishing close relationships could result in an experience of isolation and loneliness. According to the psychology, this sharing of self with others drives not only our romantic partnering, but also our urge to host a game night, share a multi-hour brunch, or schedule that phone call to dissect the latest Star Wars movie with our World of Warcraft guild buddy.

Psychosocial theory also suggests that a strong sense of self enables us to form intimate interpersonal relationships. Hence, feeling disconnected or unclear about our identity during adolescence - who am I? - can contribute to the struggles faced when striving for friendships as young adults. Sequentially, failure to master the formation of lasting relationships can then additionally hinder us from ‘making our mark on the world’, which is the major task of Erikson’s Generativity vs. Stagnation (Seventh Stage) of development (ages 40-65 yrs).

With each developmental stage building or even hinging upon the completion of its predecessor, it makes sense that we would feel pressure to create and maintain friendships even if we are not sure why or tend to err on the side of introversion. How can I ever Pass Go and Collect $200 – or more so – contribute to the world at large and create greater fulfillment, if I don’t have any close friends?

What Can Be Done?

First and foremost, know that you are not alone. As Dr. Kirmayer notes, it is far from uncommon to struggle with friendship as an adult. Often times, our self-imposed beliefs about how a friendship should look, or roles we are meant to play as friends get in our way more than they motivate growth. If you notice yourself falling prey to the ‘shoulds’ and ‘have-tos’, it can be helpful to challenge and reframe those beliefs, by replacing “I really should call my college roommate back” to “I want to call them, I miss our connection”. Chances are, your friends are equally as busy and will be equally as understanding and appreciative to hear from you – even if just for a quick 10-minute catch-up while you finally fold that pile of clean laundry that’s been staring you down from atop the dresser for the past week. Small steps are ok.

A quick “I’m thinking” about you text – or even better, an actual card via snail mail still tells someone they are thought of and valued. It also goes much further than a “like” on social media or racking yourself with guilt to sustain the friendship. Lean into what brings you together rather than what pulls you apart. Did you first bond over a mutual love of quirky 80’s movies? Maybe it’s time for a movie night. You can debate the most quintessential piece of John Hughes’ filmography or how well or not The Breakfast Club translates to a post-baby-boomer demographic rather than bemoaning how you never see each other anymore despite living less than 30 minutes apart. It doesn’t have to be expensive. If going out for dinner or drinks is not in the budget while you save for a down payment on that first home or even just tickets to that music festival you’ve been pining for – perhaps split the cost of ingredients or encourage BYOB and host a make-your-own-pizza kind of night.

Finally, if you find yourself struggling with emotional intimacy in general or feel paralyzed by social anxiety or depression, consider reaching out to a trained therapist or a support group. There are those that want to help, if we let them and can find the courage to ask. It takes strength to reach out for help and trust someone – friend or otherwise – in which to confide.

Thank you for being a friend
Traveled down a road and back again
Your heart is true, you're a pal and a confidant

—Thank You for Being a Friend | Andrew Gold

The Trap of Anxiety and Trauma

By Concentric Owner Jennifer Larson, LCPC, NCC

This blog post was originally posted on the Anxiety Relief Project’s website as the Founder was asked to be an expert contributor. The Anxiety Relief Project and website are no longer active. Jennifer Larson, LCPC, NCC is the Owner of Concentric Counseling & Consulting, a private practice group in Chicago that specializes in relationship and couples struggles; tween, adolescent and family issues; complex and relational trauma; anxiety, depression and bi-polar disorders; mind-body connection; life transitions and stress; the self and identity; substance abuse; and unresolved family-of-origin issues. Jennifer has experienced complex trauma, anxiety, and post-traumatic growth and is passionate about helping others who have endured similar struggles. Over the past 2 years, Jennifer has started sharing more about her personal struggles and growth in an effort to help de-stigmatize mental health.

Driving my car in my early adult years filled me with freedom and curiosity. Didn’t matter if I was driving by myself, on city streets, highways or traversing the deserts of Arizona, I loved driving. Toggling between radio stations to find the right tune, opening up the windows to feel the fresh air hitting my face and throwing my hair around, hanging out with my thoughts, or being mesmerized by the pink and purple hues of Arizona’s sunsets were met and felt with ease, peace, and freedom. Fast forward several years later, and my experience of driving catapults me into feelings and sensations of feeling trapped and crippled by anxiety, panic attacks, and at times, dissociation.

White-knuckling my steering wheel bound by the perpetual ticking of the clock, shouting at me to be here and there at this time. “Hurry up!” is my internal mantra. Truth be told, my life was definitely more stressful during that time. Let’s face it, chronic stress does not do anyone any favors, much less me who has endured the impact of years of complex trauma and its anxieties that are married to it. 

It started with commuting on I-90 expressway in Chicago as I began to feel a tinge of anxiety and thoughts about possibly becoming trapped in gridlocked traffic with no easy way to escape. The first spider silk strand of anxiety over time grew and grew into an unwieldy, dense web that ended up trapping me. Inching closer as I merged onto the express lane, I experienced frantic and dreadful panic as I imagined being stuck in the express lanes flanked by 4 rows of cars on either side of me where escape was next to impossible. Knowing the gift of extra time – a much coveted commodity - would be more favorable to me if I chose the express lane during my commutes. However, I now found myself avoiding it all together because my anticipatory anxiety of driving in the express lane, even the night prior, crept in and simply took over me. 

Avoiding the express lane did mitigate my anxiety, but it was a temporary solution at best. The same level of anxiety and panic now started to emerge when driving on the regular lanes on the highway. My heart-racing, tingling sensations in my lower legs, sweating hands and unfriendly thoughts befriended me. Panic attacks started to fuse into a strange hybrid of disconnect and escape sensations. I wish I were describing a feel-good, daydream-state of imagining being in a beautiful place that evokes happiness and ease, but this type of disconnect and escape experience that later emerged is called dissociation. 

When dissociation occurred, I would experience a sense of not feeling attached or even inside of me, but rather sucked into a vast abysmal, ominous space from above me. This experience was the most terrifying of them all. Other times, I would experience my surroundings as a surreal place, almost as though the cars and buildings were toy-like, not real. These experiences felt like transactional moments as if I was holding onto a roll of processed film looking at each frame-by-frame. During these times, I was not embodied, but rather detached from myself as I experienced both de-personalization and de- realization which are dissociative states.  These were all very new experiences for me.

Drifting in and out of anxiety, panic, and dissociation soon became more commonplace. Perpetual thoughts and sensations of being revved up, anxious, scared, wanting to escape, and seeking a place of refuge became a part of my lived experiences. 

This Is The Trap of Anxiety and Trauma

Learning about the connection of anxiety and trauma from a neurobiological or neuroscience perspective greatly helped to illuminate and normalize my experiences of anxiety and traumatic stress, and allowed me to move from being the driver to a driving instructor. I started to understand how my own past complex trauma coupled with chronic stress impacted my health. This knowledge also helped me in my own therapy journey as well as with helping my client’s. To better understand the neuroscience of anxiety and trauma, let’s first begin with a basic understanding of human’s nervous system and the brain. 

The Triune Brain 

There is some debate around this; some people believe in the triune or 3-part brain model, while others believe this is too simplistic. For brevity sake, let’s look at the different parts of the triune brain and its respective functions: 

• Brain stem: This is often referred to the reptilian or primal part of the brain which is responsible for instincts, survival and autonomic body processes, such as breathing, eating, blood pressure, sleep, and regulating the central nervous system. 

• Mid-brain: This is where the limbic system is housed and is often referred to the mammalian or emotional part of the brain. The limbic system is largely responsible for processing emotions and feelings, implicit memory, sensory somatic experiences, and hormonal secretions. The amygdala plays a role in autonomic responses to fear. The hippocampus plays a role in memory. 

• Fore-brain: This is where the neocortex is located and is often considered the Homo Sapiens, modern or highly evolved part of the brain. This part is responsible for processing intellectual, language, abstraction, and executive functioning, such as decision-making. The dorsolateral prefrontal cortex is the time-keeping part of the brain. 

The Nervous System 

The nervous system has 2 parts - the limbic system and the autonomic nervous system. The limbic system is a portion of the brain that deals with the functions of our emotions, memory formation, and arousal. The limbic system consists of the hypothalamus, the hippocampus, the amygdala, and several other structures. The hippocampus helps to regulate our autonomic nervous systems by regulating our breathing, blood pressure, pulse, and arousal in response to emotional circumstances. The amygdala plays a role in autonomic responses to fear and the hippocampus plays a role in memory, such as converting short-term memory into long-term memory. 

The autonomic nervous system is composed of 2 opposing parts: the sympathetic nervous system (arousing) and parasympathetic nervous system (calming). When both systems our in sync, we feel 

balanced and centered. The sympathetic part our system is highly involved when we face a threat or something dangerous as it enables us to go into “fight or flight” mode. Eventually, the opposing parasympathetic system helps bring our nervous system back to a state of calm and relaxation. For people who feel too much sympathetic arousal, the parasympathetic system can take over causing a person to go into “freeze of collapse” mode, otherwise known as shutdown. In the shutdown mode, the dorsal vagal, parasympathetic system is activated causing a person to dissociate, faint, or become immobile. This survival mechanism is similar to an animal that lies completely still, feigning its death hoping for the predator to go away. 

Anxiety 

Anxiety is a psychological and physiological response to fear, danger, or threat. When we are faced with a threat – a real or perceived threat - or memory that reminds us of former threat, our nervous system swiftly responds through an intricate and interconnected network by going into fight-flight-freeze-or collapse mode. The amygdala gets activated, certain hormones are secreted pouring into the body, and the body is primed to behaviorally respond in either fight-flight-freeze-or collapse mode. This amygdala activation is akin to a smoke detector going off when there is an excess of smoke that is trapped in a home. The alarm system goes off to warn and signal people to get out of a dangerous situation. As in the case with anxiety or trauma, actual smoke or perceived smoke trip the smoke detectors to go off. 

Many studies have shown there is a link between what happens in one’s nervous system and those who suffer from anxiety. For instance, when a person is faced with a fear or even a conditioned fear (such as arachnophobia or any other type of phobia), the amygdala is activated, signaling to the person’s body that they are in danger. Neuroscience explains what occurs within the brain and autonomic nervous system. Therapy can help people understand how anxiety impacts 4 areas: cognitions (or thoughts), emotions, physical sensations, and behaviors. To illustrate, a person who has social anxiety (or fear of public speaking) may think others will judge or criticize them, feel insecure and embarrassed, have physical sensations of heart racing, dry mouth, shallow breathing, and behaviorally may pace back-and-forth when speaking. A person who suffers from panic attacks might think they are going crazy, feel overwhelmed and anxious, experience intense and overwhelming physical sensations, and may behaviorally try to escape their environment. All of these examples of anxiety involve the nervous system. Similarly, those who suffer from traumatic stress experience thoughts, emotions, behaviors, and sensations as those with anxiety. 

Trauma 

Trauma involves a loss of choice in which a person faces a single dangerous event, series of overwhelming threats (or neglect) or when a person recalls threatening memories in which that person feels unsafe or trapped. Not everyone who faces a threat or something dangerous will experience traumatic stress, but for those who do, their autonomic nervous system continues to be in a longer-term state of dysregulation. People who have a traumatic response may find daily life as threatening even if there is no actual or rational threat present. Studies* have shown the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex or the time-keeping part of the brain goes offline and shuts down, consequently, the traumatic memory 

and internal experience feels like it is perpetually present (*nicamb, National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioral Medicine, Treating Trauma Master Series). People who suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) or Complex Trauma (C-PTSD) share feeling unsafe, trapped, crippled, or limited. 

In addition to feeling anxious, people with traumatic response can also become disembodied and detached from oneself by route of dissociation. When someone dissociates, the dorsal vagal nerve shuts down and immobilizes the body. As people have described (and I surely can attest), it feels like one has been hijacked or assaulted from within. 

For me, I found driving on the highway with limited ability to escape as threatening. It didn’t matter if it was a real or perceived because my mind and body responded as though it was a real threat. It is critical that our built in alarm systems in the brain and body respond when faced with real threats so we can find a way to escape them and ultimately survive in the end. But as you may suspect, it’s not so good when our alarm systems are going off constantly when there are no or minimal threats. 

Once the threat retreats or we are able to thwart off the threat, for some people, their body discharges the excess energy caused by hormonal secretions that had been initially resourced and ignited to return back to a state of balance and integration. This is a healthy response as people can function well and go back to business as usual with a sense of ease, mobility, curiosity, and even play. However, for some other people, as in the case with me, people who face anxiety, chronic stress, or trauma, this discharge of energy does not occur, but rather the brain and body are stuck in a recycling and dysregulation mode. In these occurrences, people walk through life seeing, feeling, or sensing threats around them as though they are walking in a minefield, which in turn, constantly pulls on those internal alarm systems, secreting and overloading the system with hormones, and maintaining dysregulation. 

Free Yourself from The Trap of Anxiety and Trauma 

Knowledge and research provides concrete explanations as to what happens to people when faced with anxiety, chronic stress, and trauma. And, research has demonstrated what can help people manage and overcome its impact. Knowledge is power. There are a number of respectable and beneficial treatment options, both traditional and non-traditional. I do not believe in a one-size-fits-all approach. Medications, supplements, and a healthy diet are important considerations. Mental health therapy, both top-down and bottom-up approaches are helpful remedies, such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Somatic Experiencing (SE), Prolonged Exposure Therapy (PE), and Sensorimotor Psychotherapy. Learning how to practice being in the here-and-now with mindfulness, meditation, and grounding techniques is useful. Good sleep and exercise are essential. And, of course, surrounding yourself with healthy, safe people and spending time in nature and spirituality are key. I can personally attest to the power and effectiveness of an integrated approach to escaping the trap of anxiety and trauma. Your options are limitless and there is hope for healing. 

I would like to acknowledge the following professionals as my blog post draws from the expertise, work, and writings of Bessel van der Kolk, MD, Stephen Porges, Ph.D., Pat Odgen, Ph.D., Peter Levine, Ph.D., Dan Siegel, MD, Ruth Lanius, MD, Ph.D, Paul Maclean, MD, David Carbonell, Ph.D., C. George Boeree, Ph.D., David Puder, MD, and nicamb, National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioral Medicine, Treating Trauma Master Series.

Let's Talk About Complex Trauma

By Concentric Counselor Jordan Perlman, LPC, NCC

I imagine many people have heard of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) but not nearly as many are familiar with Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) which is lesser-known and unfortunately, not yet recognized in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders Fifth Edition (DSM-V). And while an individual with a PTSD diagnosis, which is often the result of an isolated incident, a person who experienced complex or repeated traumas requires different considerations.

But first, it’s important to understand the differences between each:

PTSD

According to the DSM-V, PTSD is diagnosed when an individual meets the following criteria that create distress or functional impairment last more than one month, which is not a result of medication, substance use, or other illness. The individual was exposed to one of the following: 

• Death or threatened death 

• Actual or threatened serious injury

• Actual or threatened sexual violence 

• Witnessing trauma

• Learning that a relative or close friend was exposed to trauma 

Indirect exposure to aversive details of the trauma (usually in the course of professional duties), the individual must have at least one intrusive symptom that causes the persistent re-experience of the trauma in the following ways:

• Nightmares

• Flashbacks

• Emotional distress after exposure to traumatic reminders

• Physical reactivity after exposure to traumatic reminders

The individual must also experience avoidance of trauma-related stimuli after trauma either by trauma-related thoughts or feelings, or trauma-related external reminders.

Two negative alterations in cognitions and mood must be present where the negative thoughts or feelings began or worsened after trauma in the following ways:

• Inability to recall key features of the trauma

• Overly negative thoughts and assumptions about oneself or the world

• Exaggerated blame of self or others for causing trauma

• Negative affect

• Decreased interest in activities

• Feeling isolated

• Difficulty experiencing positive affect

 Lastly, there must be alterations in trauma-related arousal and reactivity that began or worsened after trauma in the following ways: 

• Irritability or aggression

• Risky or destructive behavior

• Hypervigilance

• Heightened startle reaction

• Difficulty concentrating

• Difficulty sleeping

 C-PTSD

Trauma typically associated with C-PTSD tends to be long-term, where the individual is generally held in a state of captivity, physically or emotionally. In these situations, the victim under the control of the perpetrator has little or no chance to get away or escape from the danger. Some examples might include:

• Long-term domestic violence

• Long-term child physical and/or sexual abuse

• Neglect

• Organized exploitation rings

• Concentration/Prisoner-of-War Camps

• Prostitution brothels

• Recruitment into armed conflict as a child

• Sex trafficking or slave trade

• Experiencing torture

• Exposure to genocide campaigns

• Other forms of organized violence

Some might be wondering, why is this difference important then? This is because of exposure to long-term or prolonged or repeated trauma results in a broad range of symptoms that go beyond the diagnostic criteria of PTSD, a.k.a “simple” PTSD.  As such, the basic symptoms of C-PTSD are:

• Somatization (physical problems, associated pain, and functional limitations)

• Dissociation (a division of the personality into one component that attempts to function in the everyday world and another that regresses and is fixed in the trauma, spacing out, daydreaming, or feeling strong sensations of being disconnected from one self or the world)

• Affect Dysregulation (difficulty with emotions, such as experiencing and/or expressing them, alteration in impulse control, attention and consciousness

• Self-Perception (experience of their own perspective tends to be drastically different from how others perceive them)

• Interpersonal Relationships (tend to be a struggle, difficulty with engaging with others, feeling distrustful of others)

• Perception of Perpetrators (can be skewed, or longing to be loved by their abuser)

• Systems of Meaning (doubt there is any goodness in the world, outlook on life can be dark)

Further, a 2018 study by Karatzias et al. found the most important factor in the diagnosis of C-PTSD was negative cognitions about the self, characterized by a “generalized negative view about the self and one’s trauma symptoms; attachment anxiety which is defined as involving a fear of interpersonal rejection or abandonment and/or distress if one’s partner is unresponsive or unavailable; and expressive suppression, conveyed by efforts to hide, inhibit, or reduce emotional expression.”

For those who may wonder why people affected by a long-term trauma “can’t just get over it,” the answer lies in the fact that even after a person is removed from the event, their brain may be permanently affected by that intense and prolonged trauma. And since a person’s nervous system is shaped by his or her experiences, stress and trauma over time, can lead to changes in the parts of the brain that control and manage feelings and the long-term effects are found on a physical and emotional level.  

Symptoms may manifest as:

• Eating disorders

• Substance abuse

• Alcoholism

• Promiscuity

• Chronic pain

• Cardiovascular and gastrointestinal problems

• Migraines

• Rage displayed through violence, destruction of property, or theft

• Depression, denial, fear of abandonment, thoughts of suicide, anger issues

• Flashbacks, memory repression, dissociation

• Shame, guilt, focusing on wanting revenge

• Low self-esteem, panic attacks, self-loathing

• Perfectionism, blaming others instead of dealing with the situation, selective memory

• Loss of faith in humanity, distrust, isolation, inability to form close personal relationships

Special Considerations for Survivors of C-PTSD from Childhood 

Many survivors of C-PTSD also experience Attachment Disorder which is a huge consequence of individuals who suffered complex trauma as children. Attachment Disorder is the result of a person growing up with primary caregivers who were regularly dangerous. Recurring abuse and neglect habituate children living in fear and sympathetic nervous system arousal, which over time creates them an easily triggerable abandonment mélange of overwhelming fear, shame, and depression. 

Because a child’s main attachment (to their primary caregiver) helps them learn to control their emotions and thoughts, when a caregiver’s responses are in tune with a child’s needs, the child feels secure. The child then uses this relationship pattern as a practice to build coping skills.

However, children who receive prolonged confusing or inconsistent responses from their primary caregiver are prone to be fussy, have a hard time calming down, may often withdraw from others and may have frequent tantrums. Unlike adults who have more tools to understand what is happening to them, children often do not possess these skills or have the ability to separate themselves from another’s unconscionable actions. Consequently, the resulting psychological and developmental implications become complexly woven and spun into who that child believes themselves to be, thereby creating a messy web of core beliefs that are harder to untangle than the flashbacks, nightmares and other posttraumatic symptoms that may surface later. Further, these disorganized attachments and mixed messages from those who are supposed to provide love, comfort, and safety - all in the periphery of extreme trauma - can create even more unique struggles that PTSD-sufferers alone don't always face.

Treatment Considerations 

While the symptoms can be daunting and the future seems bleak for someone who appears to be suffering from C-PTSD regardless of whether an individual has been diagnosed with a trauma-related disorder or not, there is help out there and there are ways to manage and help the individual cope. 

Treatment challenges include, Survivors:

• Avoiding thinking and talking about trauma-related topics because the feelings associated with the trauma are often overwhelming

• Relying on alcohol or other substances as a way to avoid and numb feelings and thoughts related to trauma

• Engaging in self-mutilation and other forms of self-harm

• Who have been abused repeatedly are sometimes mistaken as having a “weak character” or unjustly blamed for the symptoms they experience as a result of victimization and often have comorbid disorders such as dissociative identity disorder (DID), other specified dissociative disorder (OSDD), borderline personality disorder (BPD), depressive or bipolar disorders, anxiety disorders, obsessive-compulsive disorders, eating disorders, and substance abuse

Since many trauma specialists see Attachment Disorder as one of the key symptoms of C-PTSD, a relational, individual, approach will often be most beneficial for many of these clients. For many survivors, therapy is the first opportunity to have a safe and nurturing relationship.  Therefore, the therapist must be especially skilled to create the degree of safety that is needed to build trust or risk adding to the attachment trauma. Working with these clients is essential to the development of trust and relational healing and the four key qualities are empathy, authentic vulnerability, dialogically (when two people move fluidly and interchangeable between speaking and listening) and collaborative relationship repair. This makes therapy a teamwork approach where there is mutual brainstorming and problem-solving in a respectful way implying mutuality. All of these steps will provide the client with a “good enough secure attachment” to serve as a model for other relationships. 

However, and as expected, there is no “one size fits all” approach to working with individuals who have survived trauma, but one thing is for certain: recovery from Complex PTSD requires restoration of control and power for the traumatized person. Survivors can become empowered by healing relationships which create safety, allow for remembrance and mourning, and promote reconnection with everyday life. 

If you feel as though you have experienced complex trauma, it is important to know what happened to you was not your fault. While it is undeniable trauma changes the way we experience the world, I strongly believe like a phoenix, a person who suffered from trauma can arise from the ashes, stronger than ever before. This “stronger than ever before” is also known as “Post-Traumatic Growth.” Post-Traumatic Growth identifies a shift in personal strength and worldview as a consequence of trauma. Although you can’t change it, you can change what your life looks like going forward. One step you can take towards recovery is calling to schedule an appointment with a therapist who can help guide and support you on your healing journey. 

The Value of Vulnerability

By Concentric Counselor Christian Younginer, LPC, NCC

Life XXXV by Emily Dickinson

I CAN wade grief,

Whole pools of it,—

I ’m used to that.

But the least push of joy

Breaks up my feet,         5

And I tip—drunken.

Let no pebble smile,

’T was the new liquor,—

That was all!  

Power is only pain,         10

Stranded, through discipline,

Till weights will hang.

Give balm to giants,

And they ’ll wilt, like men.

Give Himmaleh,—         15

They ’ll carry him!

Emily Dickinson’s word choice in the first line sticks with me- she can “wade” grief. She can trudge through the thick, tarry mire of sadness, pain, loss, and sorrow. It really feels like that, doesn’t it? This viscous bog of grief, she’s “used to that”. It’s familiar for her. But joy is foreign. 

Although she can bear the pain of life, let life surprise her with joy and she will stumble, drunkenly. This voices a common human experience: Let something test our resolve, and we will meet that challenge. But let us be vulnerable, and we will dissolve.

It is easier to harden, than to soften. Give comfort and love to giants, and they will “wilt” into ordinary men, but ask them to carry mountains (‘Himmaleh’ is the archaic form of ‘the Himalayas’), and they will offer up themselves.

This brings us to the question of this post: How does a person allow themselves to be vulnerable, without wilting? How do they remain resilient when life gets hard, without hardening themselves?

What is vulnerability?

The insightful Brené Brown defines vulnerability as both “the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy and creativity”, but also as “uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure” (Daring Greatly). So, our options are: recoil at the latter and tell ourselves we don’t need the former OR accept the latter because we accept that we need the former.

There were times in my life where I clung to the idea that ‘ I don’t need others’- to avoid feeling exposed. That idea eventually spoiled, and I was faced with the reality that I DO need others. While I was aware of the fact, I had not yet accepted it. It was not until I accepted that I need others that my journey towards understanding vulnerability began.

Being vulnerable feels like the difference between writing in the 3rd person and 1st person. It is keeping others at a distance, to avoid the pain of feeling exposed- of not being accepted. If you notice, I switched from using “they” and “them” to “I” and “we”. As I wrote, I noticed feeling exposed, but I also noticed feeling satisfied with my self-awareness and honesty. That is, I felt joy in sharing this part of myself so that it might be of help to someone. It is this ‘trade-off’ that I believe Brené Brown is describing. If we can be ok with feeling a little exposed, we can receive wonderful gifts of acceptance, approval, validation, and love.

The Alternative.

In my pursuit of understanding vulnerability, I came to a choice. Would I rather feel uncomfortable or alone? My choice to embrace vulnerability and accept the possible “emotional exposure”, speaks to not only my desire for connection with others, but to the horror of the alternative: feeling alone. Jumping from a burning building does not mean that jumping is not scary, rather the alternative is too horrifying to consider.

Resilience.

What I am suggesting almost seems oxymoronic: Become vulnerable to become stronger. Invulnerability is not a superpower. Unless Superman exists and no one told me. Rather, accepting that we need others is the true superpower. One powerful result of letting ourselves connect is resilience. That is, if we temper ourselves in the furnace of vulnerability, we become stronger than we were. This is possible due to what Brené Brown references as the gifts of vulnerability: love, belonging, joy, courage, and empathy. Having these in our arsenal make us stronger humans, less prone to burnout and emotional distress.

Let us learn to enjoy the intoxicating effects of joy and not let it cause us to stumble. Carry the mountain if asked, because you are strong enough to shoulder it. But also do not wilt at receiving comfort or help. If we accept that we not only need others for support, but also that they have gifts to offer us, we become stronger. More resilient to carry the mountains when we need to and more courageous to be vulnerable when we just can’t carry anything else. It is the courage and strength to say: “ I’m not ok right now. But I will be.”

Asking for Help - Not Waving but Drowning

By Concentric Counselor Christian Younginer, LPC, NCC

Not Waving but Drowning

By STEVIE SMITH

Nobody heard him, the dead man,   

But still he lay moaning:

I was much further out than you thought   

And not waving but drowning.

Poor chap, he always loved larking

And now he’s dead

It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way,   

They said.

Oh, no no no, it was too cold always   

(Still the dead one lay moaning)   

I was much too far out all my life   

And not waving but drowning.

I believe this poem verbalizes well a common societal pressure. That is, the need to be happy externally, even if drowning internally. As we go through our day, met with multiple “How’s it going?”, we invariably are trained to answer “fine” or “great”, without the slightest thought. The question we’re left with is: how would anyone know I’m drowning, when I always give them a friendly wave?

Asking for help can be deceptively difficult. Frequently I hear from clients that asking for help shows weakness, or is shameful, or too vulnerable. So, we strengthen our resolve, buckle down, and soldier on at the expense of our wellness and happiness. We become run down, exhausted, and deflated. Imagine a balloon trying to remain the same size, while its air slowly leaks. We receive messages from our families of origin, our employers, and consumer culture that tell us to harden. But the harder we get, the more brittle we become. Rather than naming our need for help, we’re now drowning with work, emotions, schedules, and isolation. 

Ultimately, this issue of asking for help comes down to a person’s struggle with taking care of themselves. Wellness, self-care, asking for help, boundary setting, etc all live in the same neighborhood: taking care of the self. A former supervisor of mine offered this metaphor:

You board an airplane, take your seat, and the flight attendant begins the safety protocols speech. They get to the section on the oxygen mask. They say, ‘please secure your own mask before attempting to assist anyone else.”

Why is that? Well, you can’t help anyone if you’re dead. The same concept applies here, albeit with less grim consequences. How can we expect to function, let alone help others, when we run ourselves ragged?

To return to the topic at hand, one way of taking care of the self is asking for help. Seeking therapy is a form of this. I often name the courage it takes for a client to find a therapist. As we know, it’s hard to find help for ourselves- especially for our mental health. As if the unfortunate stigma isn’t enough, busy schedules and work demands can get in the way. If therapy is two steps too far for you, there are smaller ways to open ourselves to the help of others.

We don’t have to instantly open up and adopt this idea. Rather we can take smaller steps that feel safer. For example, if we have created a default answer of “fine” when asked “how are you?” by random people, then that may have filtered into closer relationships. Those relationships where it may feel safer saying “Actually, I’m struggling.” So, what if we remove the automatic ‘fine’ from our vocabulary? Rather, when asked by a close friend or family member, “how are you?”, we take that question for what it is: an out-stretched hand to a drowning person.

 I think it is unfair to view this poem as an indictment of those who misread the author’s anguish. Rather, I believe it is a call to stop waving when we’re drowning. To let those looking out for our safety, save us. Only from this place of moaning, cold death does the author finally feel safe saying she was much too far out all of her life. If only we, the onlookers, knew this we could’ve helped.

 It is ok to feel you’re too far out. It is ok to feel like you’re drowning. There are those who want to help us, but only if we let them. When we don’t ask for help, we deny our friends and family the gift of being able to help someone they love.