How to Bring Up an Important or Sensitive Topic to a Person?

By Concentric Counselor Jennifer Larson, LCPC, NCC

It’s been six months since my last blog post, so it’s much overdue.  There has been no shortage of topics to write about as they perpetually swirl around in my head – it’s now just a matter of carving out the time to be intentional about writing again.  So, here I go. 

This is one of my favorite topics as it comes up fairly regularly in sessions, not to mention I love helping people to learn how to establish and maintain boundaries while learning how to be a better communicator. Please know this blog just scratches the surface as there are many facets when it comes to boundaries and communication, but at least these pointers can be the launching pad you need to start. 

People consistently ask how to bring up an important or sensitive topic to a person while at the same time not hurting their feelings, making the situation worse, or coming off as a jerk.  While we cannot ultimately control the outcome of the interaction or the other person’s feelings, we most certainly can prepare and use an approach that can increase the chances of a better outcome keeping in mind integrity, respect, and boundaries. 

For some, it takes a lot of courage and strength to confront a person. So, if this is you, give yourself a pat on the back for taking this difficult step.  Some people may feel somewhat comfortable or even enjoy confronting, but may neglect to do it somewhat well.  Whatever your situation is, just remember it may be awkward to learn something new, it’s okay to make mistakes along the way.  You will get better with further learning and practice.  As we therapists love to say, “It’s a process.” 

One of the first things to consider is what is your intention (or goal) for bringing up an important topic to another.  Is it to clarify a situation, better understand another, ask someone if they can meet a need of yours, or come up with a solution?  For purposes of having this conversation, try to clearly define your intention(s) coming up with only one or two.  If there are more areas to cover with this person, you can parcel out over time with several conversations.  But for this initial conversation, you don’t want to fire off a litany of items all at once. 

Ok, so you now have your 1-2 intentions.  Next, you will want to ‘invite’ the person to have a conversation with you.  You do not want to spring it on this person when he or she least expects it.  You want to be mindful of not only when you are available to provide your full attention, but also when the other person is completely available.  The invite can be, “I would like to talk to you about something that is really important to me, are you around to chat tonight over dinner or tomorrow morning?” 

The day, time and possibly place have been pinned down.  Next is the anticipation of actually having the conversation.  You may be fraught with anxiety, fear, or other unpleasant feelings.  If this is the case, it’s perfectly normal and okay.  Keep in mind, the other person may be just anxious.  Just remember this person and topic are important to you, and you are approaching this person with your best intentions and method of communication. 

The time has come to engage with one another.  You can warm up the interaction by either acknowledging or thanking the person for being open to talking or you can briefly state something that is positive about that person or the two of you.  This warm-up can help ease both of you into the conversation while setting a positive (or even neutral) tone.

After easing in, you will share your thoughts and feelings by speaking from an “I” position versus opening the dialogue with “You.”  Speaking from an “I” position shows accountability and ownership whereas entering the conversation with “You” can put the person on the defense.  For instance, “I have been bothered lately by the lack of connection or sex between us”, “I have concerns about our how you address disciplining our child and want to learn more about your position on this”, “I am feeling overwhelmed and would like some support from you with the household chores" or "I would like to talk about the restaurant incident the other day.”  Remember you are the one who ultimately wants this conversation, so it is up to you to share you (your thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and beliefs). 

Try your best not to blame the other person, be critical or judgmental, talking down to the person or going into demands and commands.  Also, try your best to suspend those pesky loaded terms, such as “always”, “never” or “should."  Use these words judiciously as they often do not depict complete accuracy (e.g. You never compliment me; You are always rude) not to mention these words can convey judgment and criticism (You should want to be a better partner to me; You should know what I want). 

Also, be mindful of your tone, choice of words, body language, including facial expressions.  Eye-rolling, using offensive language, speaking in a patronizing tone or yelling, sitting with your arm crossed are some examples that will undermine the conversation.  You want to work towards conveying both verbally and non-verbally openness, equity, and respect. 

So, you’ve shared your thoughts keeping these key items in mind, now what?  Depending on the topic or person, the conversation can go in a variety of directions.  For brevity sake, let’s say worse-case scenario is this person reacts negatively to you.  Depending on the type of negativity, you may need to remove yourself from the conversation, pause the conversation until both of you are in a better spot to chat constructively or you can redirect the interaction by expressing your overall intention and that you would like to reciprocate by also fully listening and understanding the other person.  You can ask for a commitment that both of you will try your best.  It’s okay if the two of you may not agree or feel the same way.  For you, you are learning how to bring up an important topic to another with a few tools in your bag.  

Go ahead, and give it whirl -- you're on your way to learning how to approach people with topics that matter to you!      

What Age Do You Start Talking About Sex With Your Child?

By Concentric Counselor Jennifer Larson, LCPC, NCC

This is such a great question, and we are glad you are interested in talking about sex with your children.  Many parents generally tend to get squeamish, anxious or shy away from bringing up this very important topic with their children.  Ideally, it’s best to start in early childhood, but it’s never too late to start.  In this blog, we will focus on children ages 0-7.  Yes, infancy because we are constantly talking in front of them, infants explore their bodies, and we start to form bonds and attachment during this period. 

Ideally, you will want to have several conversations – talking and listening - about sex with your child as he or she develops and ages.   

Before we share some guidelines, it is worth noting sex has various connotations and meanings.  Sex can be used to describe the biological markers of gender or it can fall on a spectrum to include one’s biological, genetic markers, internal and external sex organs, and hormones.  Sex can incorporate one’s gender identity, sexual identity and sexual orientation as well as sex can describe the various activities that involve a person (or persons) with or without their genitals.  And, we can think of sex when considering procreation.  Given there is not a universal or one size fits all definition of sex, it important to consider the various meanings and definitions of sex when engaging in discussions with your children.   

Here are some guidelines to think about when discussing sex with your child who ranges between 0-7 years-old.  Naturally, you will want to be mindful of your child's biological and developmental age.     

Body and Body Parts.  You can explain that people’s bodies come in different shapes, sizes and color, and over time, our bodies change.  Boys’ and girls’ bodies and interests can be similar and different.  Each person’s body belongs to that person, and it’s important to be mindful of people’s physical boundaries.  Some like to use the visual example of pretend you are wearing a swimsuit.  The swimsuit covers the most private parts of your body. Normalize to your child that it’s normal to be curious and touch all of your body parts.  It’s okay if your toddler has cute names for their private parts, but as they get older, you want to encourage them to use correct words for body parts, such as penis and vagina.

Conception, Birth and Delivery.  You can start by sharing that all living things reproduce, such as plants and animals. There are different ways to conceive or make a baby.  Parenting.com Talking to Kids About Sex suggests these explanations:  "When the penis and the vagina fit together, sperm, like tadpoles, swim through and out of the penis into a vagina to find an egg which gets fertilized.  The fertilized egg turns into a growing baby.  Mom has a uterus inside her tummy, where you lived until you were big enough to be born.  When you were ready to be born, the uterus pushed you out through Mommy's vagina."

Closeness, Touch, and Intimacy.  It’s okay to allow or at times encourage our child to give grandma or uncle a hug good-bye, but if your child is displaying resistance, no need to force the issue. You can ask your child what feels comfortable for him or her or offer an alternative such as a high-five or fist-bump.  You can explain sex or close affection can feel good and it's a way people express their affection and love for each other.  When people feel safe and loved, people give each other permission to touch each other in ways they want to be touched, such as holding hands or kissing each other, which can make them close and loved.  

Sexual Health and Protection.  When changing your baby's diaper, talk aloud about how you are going to clean your baby's bottom or bum.  Starting at toddler age, explain some behaviors warrant privacy, such as when you touch your penis or vagina, choose a private place, such as your bedroom or bathroom.  Educate and remind your child that Mom or Dad may touch your private body parts only when helping you get cleaned as you learn how to use the potty or use the bathroom.  It is important to inform your child the importance of taking care of his or her body to maintain good hygiene and health, such as washing our breasts.  A reminder that your doctor can only touch your vagina if you have pain or an infection in that area, but only when Mommy or Daddy are in the room with you.  Teach your child the importance of when and how to say, “No” to unwanted touch and when to tell a trusted adult (e.g. teacher, parent) you have been touched when you didn’t want to be or when you said “No” and it was not respected.

Freedom of Expression.  You can tell your child that people share same and different interests, and this is okay and acceptable.  You can encourage them to be free to express his or her interests and express themselves based on who they are.  Sharing stories about your own relationships throughout your life can be helpful to hear, such as how some friendships remain the same while others have changed.  The message is that over time, we will have different relationships or preferences with people as we grow and change.  

The important thing to remember is engaging in conversations about sex will be an ongoing process throughout your child’s life.  You may not have all the answers or get stumped by a question your child asks which is perfectly fine.  If this happens, you can respond by saying, "Let me think about that or I’ll get back to you with an answer." The important idea to remember is how you carry yourself and come across.  Displaying openness, willingness, and actively listening without responding with silliness or shaming is what matters most.  All of the answers are within reach as there is plenty of information on the Internet, at your local library, and through your support systems.  Pat yourself on the back for asking this important question, and enjoy your journey as you start talking about sex with your child!  

Here a few resources to check out:

It's So Amazing!: A Book About Eggs, Sperm, Birth, Babies and Families by Robie H. Harris

It's Not The Stork!: A book About Girls, Boys, Babies, Bodies, Families and Friends by Robie H. Harris

What's The Big Secret?  Talking About Sex With Boys and Girls by Laurene Krasny Brown

"Talking to Kids About Sex." www.parenting.com,  Meredith Corporation Women's Network. Web.  June 2016.

Ask The Therapist? My Spouse Won't Talk to Me - What To Do as We Go Through a Divorce?

By Concentric Counselor Jennifer Larson, LCPC, NCC

I'm going through a divorce.  My spouse is avoiding all communication.  How can I get my spouse to engage in conversation regarding proceeding with the divorce, splitting assets and beginning the paperwork?

Going through a divorce is one of most stressful events for people to go through.  It sounds as though you are willing and ready to communicate about certain aspects of the divorce process (e.g. legal), and your spouse is not. Your spouse's reluctance to communicate to you could stem from a variety of reasons, such as not feeling the same way about divorce as you or not ready to confront and deal with certain hardships that go with divorce.  

For instance, if you were the one who wanted and initiated the divorce, you may be more eager to get things moving along.  It's possible your spouse may be still processing the divorce, feeling more connected and in touch with his/her feelings about the demise of the relationship (versus wanting to think about and start preparing and planning the divorce).  Also, it could be your spouse's way of gaining control or making you sweat and stew if the decision was not mutual or if other events occurred in the marriage that may have led to divorcing (e.g. infidelity).  Possibly your spouse has had a long-standing history of struggling with engaging in communication.

Your question is more related to "How Can I Get My Spouse to Engage...?  Without knowing your and your spouse's details and how long this has been going on, I can give you some information to think about that I hope will be helpful.   

1.  How is your approach when trying to engage your spouse?  It is difficult for you to manage your emotions, thoughts, or behaviors with your spouse?  Try to be mindful of these areas, such as paying attention to your tone, delivery, non-verbal behaviors, and choice of words you use.    

2.  How realistic are you with your timeline?  For instance, if the two of you just separated or if either one of you just expressed wanting a divorce, you may need to sit a little more and be patient with the next steps.  Engaging in support of friends and those you trust (maybe a divorce support group) during the 'waiting' periods is important self-care.  

3.  It's important to convey on some level empathy, respect and mindfulness (as difficult as it may be to do).  An example would be to express that you are mindful that s/he may not be feeling the same way or you recognize there are differences in how the both of you are approaching the divorce.  

4.  Share your position effectively with your spouse, such as I am ready and willing to discuss the legal parts of divorcing, and ask or invite your spouse to talk about this with you.  You can ask when your spouse will be willing and ready to talk about starting the paperwork.  Can the two of you agree to a time by meeting in the middle?  

5.  If you are engaging in these steps and your spouse is stonewalling you, you can offer professional assistance to help the both of you, such as speaking to a therapist, counselor, a divorce mediator.  

6.  If all of these steps have been exhausted, then your next best bet is to consult with a divorce and family law attorney about his/her ideas about how to handle communication, and the overall process and steps proceeding with a divorce.  For some, it may be best for your and your spouse's attorneys to handle the communication versus you and your soon-to-be ex partner.    

Again, going through a divorce is one of life's most difficult challenges with typically ups and downs for most people.  Give yourself time and space to go through the process, and be sure to engage in good self-care during this time.  Remember, we cannot make or demand a person to engage, but we can most certainly increase our chances of engagement by controlling and modifying our process and approach.  

Ask The Therapist? What Does ADHD Typically Look Like in an Adult?

By Concentric Counselor Ashley Allis, LCPC, NCC

We continue the Ask The Therapist? series for people who attended a Small Business & Eco Fair and popped by our table to meet us and write down an anonymous question related to mental health and well-being issues that they or a loved one may be facing.  Over the next weeks, we will continue to post anonymous questions and our answers. So, feel free to re-visit this blog to see what others had to write.

Ask The Therapist? is to provide some helpful information, guidance, and resources only.  This information is not intended to give a diagnosis, provide treatment recommendations for a mental health disorder or to replace individual therapy. Make sure you see your doctor or mental health provider if you think you or a loved one may have symptoms of a mental health disorder which warrants professional help.

WHAT DOES ADHD TYPICALLY LOOK LIKE IN AN ADULT? 

Many are surprised to hear that adults can be diagnosed with ADHD.  ADHD symptoms can look (or manifest) different in adults than in a child where usually the underlying causes (etiology) are similiar. Some typical symptoms for adults are:

Disorganization:  Someone diagnosed with ADHD may struggle with time management and staying on top of certain tasks.

Forgetfulness: We can all be a bit forgetful at times; however, adult with ADHD forgetting routinely happens. 

Lack of focus:  Being easily distracted, difficulty listening to others in conversations and work settings, and overlooking details.

Hyper-focus:   On the flip side of ‘lack of focus’, there is hyper-focus. Sometimes a person with ADHD can be engrossed in an activity that is of interest to them. 

Poor listening skills:  It is not uncommon to hear reports from their partner or family member that they have to repeat themselves often. 

Impulsivity:   This means interrupting others, blurting out thoughts without thinking, and suffering from addictive tendencies. 

Emotional problems:  Adults with ADHD can feel their emotions are up and down. This can be caused by feeling bored by a lack of stimulation, sense of underachievement, and/or trouble staying motivated. 

Restlessness and Anxiety:  Feeling like you can’t shut off your motor or constantly feeling you need to move or be on the go.  Difficulty staying still in meetings, at work, dinner, or other situations which may require sustained sitting. 

For more information on Adult ADHD, check out:  http://www.adultadhd.net/childhood-vs-adult/ and http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/adult-adhd/home/ovc-20198864

To learn more about our specific services, check out: Individual Therapy and Teletherapy and Online Counseling

Ask the Therapist? How to Help a Young Child with Anxiety Issues?

By Concentric Counselors Jennifer Larson, LCPC, NCC & Ashley Allis, LCPC, NCC

Over this past weekend, we participated as one of the local small businesses at the Sauganash Small Business & Eco Fair.  This Fair was open to the public and was an opportunity to build relationships within the community as well as to raise money for Sauganash Elementary, a Chicago Public Schools (CPS), which continues to experience cuts that impact the educational needs of the students and teachers.

At this event, we offered Ask The Therapist? -- an opportunity for people who visited our table to write down an anonymous question related to mental health and well-being issues that they or a loved one may be facing.  Over the upcoming weeks, we will be posting the anonymous questions and our answers.  So, feel free to re-visit this blog.

Ask The Therapist? is to provide some helpful information, guidance, and resources only.  This information is not intended to give a diagnosis, replace child, adolescent & family therapy, or provide treatment recommendations for a mental health disorder. Make sure you see your doctor or mental health provider if you think you or a loved one may have symptoms of a mental health disorder which warrants professional help.

HOW DO YOU HELP A YOUNG CHILD WITH ANXIETY ISSUES?

Parents play a big role in helping young children manage their anxiety. When a child uses coping tools and their brave behavior is praised, young children can learn to manage their anxiety and gain confidence.  Sometimes parents become anxious when their child experiences anxiety that they think the best option is to become overprotective or to enable the child to avoid the very thing or situation that triggers anxiety.  Avoidance can lead to fueling and increasing the anxiety.

The first step would be to tell your child what anxiety is, how it shows up in our thoughts, physical sensations, emotions, and behaviors, and that anxiety is normal to experience.  You can help your child identify how he or she experiences worry physically in his or her body, such as some children feel butterflies in their stomach, their hands may get sweaty, or behaviorally as they may want to hide. If you as a parent have anxiety, you can share your anxiety which can be validating and normalizing for your child.   

The next step would be to identify the type of anxiety (and its respective triggers) and to learn tools that can help your child reduce their anxiety.  You can become educated by learning the many tools for helping your child learn how to manage his or her thoughts, physical sensations, emotions, and behaviors. 

Filling up a toolbox of tools can be one of the most helpful ways to assist your child with anxiety issues.  Examples of some coping tools could be coloring, squeezing a ball, deep breathing, engaging in positive thoughts, and coming up with comforting, visual imagery.  You can encourage your child to ‘test’ those tools out and see which ones are more effective.   Also, encourage your child to come up with ideas that will help the anxiety.  This ownership can instill confidence, a sense of responsibility, and hopefulness. 

For more resources on childhood anxiety, check out:  http://www.anxietybc.com/parenting/childhood-anxiety  http://www.anxietybc.com/parenting/complete-home-tool-kit

To learn more about our specific services, check out:  Child, Adolescent & Family Therapy AND Solution-Focused Services for Parents

Should I Stay or Should I Go? After the Affair

By Concentric Counselor Jennifer Larson, LCPC, NCC

You have discovered or have been told that your partner has been having an affair.  You’ve been hit by a ton of bricks engulfed by a tsunami of emotions ranging from anger, resentment, wanting to seek revenge to sadness, despair and helplessness.  One of the first questions that may arise is “Should I stay or should I go?”  While the answer is there and is different for everyone, you may not have an immediate answer or you unequivocally have the answer and are already in the height of your action plan.  Whether you do not know the answer or are in overdrive planning every detail of your action plan, let me suggest hitting the pause button and consider these steps.    

1. Do not make any immediate decisions regarding your marriage.  You are experiencing one of life’s most devastating and traumatic events which flood you with emotional intensity overriding judgment and reasoning.  Acting now may entail regrets later.  Remember your relationship with your spouse and family has developed over time.  Your marriage and children are one of your biggest life’s investments which warrant time to determine this important decision and its lifelong impact.  

2. Experience your feelings and sit with your values.  Experience your feelings as they arise.   Take note of how your upbringing, values, or religious beliefs may play a role in figuring out what to do.  Grab a journal and write it all out.  

3. Talk with those you trust.  You will want to obtain support from others.  Select a few people you truly trust.  Telling everyone can be very damaging by creating more confusion and chaos.  Not to mention, if you and your spouse decide to stay together, some family and friends may not be able to recover and re-integrate into your family.  

4. Begin a self-care program.  Taking care of yourself is vital to your well-being during this time.  Tune into the basics, such as a getting adequate sleep, eating a healthy, balanced diet, and exercising.  You may want to shift your focus by picking up a hobby or enrolling in a fun class. 

5. Remain committed to other areas of your life.  Continue to be present by focusing on your children, going to work, and taking care of your household.

6. Confront your spouse. Find the appropriate time and environment to ask your spouse general questions about the affair.  Do not engage in ‘pain shopping’ by demanding nitty-gritty details that will only be more traumatic. 

7. Become educated.  Read some books about infidelity and begin to understand the various contributing factors that can lead to infidelity.  

8. Get counseling and therapy.  Meet with an individual therapist for guidance and support during this time especially given the risk of depression and anxiety.  Seeking couples therapy will be important if the goals are to explore and understand the contributing factors to the infidelity; to repair, heal, and rebuild the marriage; or to transition to separation and divorce.   

9. Consult with a lawyer.  You may want to obtain general information about your rights and the legal process. 

10.  Do we tell our children?  Infidelity does affect children.  There is no hard and fast answer to this question.  It depends on various factors, some include the type of infidelity, whether children know or are at risk of discovering, age of children, and whether parents remain together or divorce.  A therapist can guide parents as to what to and what not to share based on these factors.  

Experiencing unfaithfulness in marriage is one of the most crushing experiences a person can go through.  Engaging in these steps will help you get through the pain in the best way possible with integrity.  They can also help you gain greater insight and awareness into your marriage and determine the answer and the best course of action for you and your family.

One Way Chicagoans' Mental Health May be Compromised

By Concentric Counselor Jennifer Larson, LCPC, NCC

A little insight into the world of counseling:  Generally in therapy, psychotherapists tend to help and understand people’s concerns, challenges, and symptoms within the contexts of relationships and environments.  Typically, the focus of those relationships and environments are explored on a micro-level.  When I say micro-level, I am referring to the inner circles within a concentric circle (an example is Bronfenbreener’s Ecological Theory of Development concentric circle).

The innermost circle represents the individual person and everything inherent about this person.  The next inner circle represents the more direct people and environments in that person’s life, such as one’s family, friends, work and school peers as well as one’s home, school, or place of work.  It is not to say that as therapists we do not explore an individual’s macro-level or larger influential social, economic, and cultural systems, but in general we tend to focus on the more intimate aspects of one’s life in psychotherapy. 

Today I want to take the time to zoom out and acknowledge the macro systems operating in Chicago and the state of Illinois and its impact on individuals and families.  A time to honor Chicagoans and others who may live, work, or attend school in Chicago who are consistently impacted by the long-standing city and state’s financial woes and troubles.  As someone who lives, works, and listens to people in Chicago, I understand these can be difficult times for many who are consistently dismayed, frustrated, and down-right angry with our government and politics. 

It can be hard for some to take time-outs and breaks from the constant chatter, news, and information that circulate and hovers around us.  Whether it is a lack of an Illinois state budget, Chicago Public Schools’ (CPS) financial troubles and recent budget cuts, Chicago’s crimes, many services and programs cut, problems within the Chicago Police Department, or the increased cost of living -- the list is long, and the impact is real. 

These macro-systems affect individuals and families on many levels, including compromised mental health and well-being.  If you can relate and find these city and state-wide issues are real to you and impact your emotional and psychological well-being, you are most certainly not alone.  Everyone deals and copes in different ways, such as being vocal and advocating for change, getting into decision-making mode with preparing and planning, or internalizing all of it finding a way to distract and escape from it. 

I encourage you to acknowledge, emote, and talk about the impact of these larger systems on your life, but I also encourage you not to get completely engulfed and swept away in it.  It’s not good for your mental health.  There is an analogy in mindfulness which encourages people to step behind the waterfall and simply watch and acknowledge its presence and details, but not to jump into it which would lead to a tumultuous ride and possibly and ultimately, one’s demise.  Conversely, do not turn your back to it and ignore or deny its reality.    

If you find that you are feeling the weight of our local news and politics, bringing you down or increasing  your anxiety, take a moment to acknowledge, but then step back and shift your attention to something that restores you such as connecting with others, reading a book, connecting to your body with movement or getting into a creative space.  After all, we cannot control all of the external happenings in our life, but we can control how we cope and respond. Hope you are able to carve out some 'self-care' time during these times.