What Are Your Internal Dialogues Trying to Protect You From?

By Concentric Therapist Intern Mara Hundrieser-Acosta, B.A. (Clinical Mental Health Counselor M.A.)

I know I am not the only one that has internal conversations with different parts of myself. Just going back and forth with what I should have done, said, or even experienced. I recently lost my mother to cancer. When someone asks me “How are you doing? I answer with “ I am doing ok, just taking it one day at a time.” but on the inside, my brain is struggling. The actual answer in my mind is, “ I miss my mom, I wish I could see her.” and then another part of my mind answers “I have to cook dinner, wash clothes, put them away, and so much more to do, I feel so overwhelmed.” and another part says, “People will think you don’t have a handle on your life if you let them know how you truly feel.” So, I end up giving a generic answer and smile. 

The conversation inside my mind keeps going even though on the outside I am smiling and making small talk. Sometimes when we have been through hard times, we develop a strong voice that keeps us “in check.” When we view this through an Internal Family Systems (IFS) lens, it's called a Manager. We all have these internal conversations. No, there is nothing wrong with us; it’s just part of how we take care of ourselves internally. You might wonder what I mean about how we take care of ourselves internally. We all go back and forth with all of our parts to try to navigate our lives through stress, anxiety, depression, painful situations, and trauma. Through IFS we can learn what these parts need in order to feel at peace in our life. 

“IFS guides us to offer deep understanding and credible help to the critic and the innumerable other parts who populate our clients’ inner worlds, some of whom long to transform but are stuck in extreme, destructive roles.” -Schwartz & Sweezy (2020)

What is IFS?

Internal Family Systems (IFS), a model of therapy and an approach to better understand ourselves, was developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz. He has worked on the development of IFS for over 40 years.  Dr. Schwartz holds a Ph.D. in Marriage and Family Therapy and was trained to view and understand people through a systematic lens.  After years of working with families and individuals, Dr. Schwartz noticed how clients would speak about their different inner parts. Just like I shared my internal dialogue about being asked about me in relation to my mother. 

While in session with clients, Dr. Schwartz’s patients would share how they would go back and forth with different parts of themselves.  Dr. Schwartz noticed those parts also operate within a system similar to how a system of family operates. For example, a family system consists of different family members, roles or parts (e.g. parents, children) that interact with each other.  

If we look at humanity or systems with a very wide lens, we notice a system is always in place, starting with our solar system. Dr. Schwartz was able to recognize there is a system that consists of people’s inner parts.  These parts are called Managers, Firefighters, and Exiles. These parts have developed to protect us from harm, trauma, and difficult experiences that have left a wound inside our psyche. They all have a specific role that falls under a three-group system. All of our parts are good, even though they might seem mean or aggressive at times. 

The goal of IFS is to help people become Self-led, which means that their various parts feel loved by the Self and trust the Self’s leadership. IFS therapy has a gentle way to ease the pain of people’s experiences and parts and to help navigate the internal turmoil one often faces throughout life. 

The Roles of Parts: A Three-Group System

In order to understand further this three-group system we need to understand that each group or also called protective parts (Managers, Exiles, and Firefighters) doesn't have just one personality. There are different kinds of Managers; each one has its own role to play, as well as the Exiles and the Firefighters to protect us internally. These three-group systems work with each other and sometimes what feels like against each other in order to keep us safe internally. 

In other words…

One group tends to be highly protective, strategic, and interested in controlling the internal or external environment to keep things safe. In IFS, we call the members of this group Managers. 

A second group contains the most sensitive members of the system. When these parts feel injured or outraged, Managers will banish them for their own protection and the good of the whole system. We call them Exiles. 

A third group tries to stifle, anesthetize, or distract from the feelings of Exiles, reacting powerfully and automatically, without concern for consequences, to their distress as well as to the over-inhibition of Managers. We call these members Firefighters. 

Trauma & Internal Family Systems 

According to Schwartz & Sweezy (2020), internal systems (parts) that are responding to trauma not only divide into these roles, but the protective parts (Managers and Firefighters) also form alliances and get into conflicts with each other and can be very harsh or smothering with the Exile they are trying to protect or ward off. The sadder, more terrified, ashamed, rageful, or sexually charged an Exile is, the more protectors legitimately fear its release and the more extreme they become in their efforts to suppress and constrain them. In turn, the more an exile is suppressed, the more it tries to break out. In this way all three groups become victims of an escalating cycle of internecine* conflict. 

*internecine: destructive to both sides in a conflict.

Example: The more ashamed I feel about a traumatic event that happened to me the more scared the Managers and Firefighters are of me releasing or admitting this shame. So, the Managers and Firefighters will try really hard for me to suppress that shame. Which can mean one can begin to use drugs and alcohol to control that shame, or become very narcissistic in order to push it way down. The Managers and Firefighters believe that if one releases or admits this shame, it (the part) will ultimately fall apart. 

Childhood & Internal Family Systems

The Self can be forceful and protective. Children who have experienced developmental trauma or any abuse of their independence, spontaneity, leadership (or other traits that rely on courage themselves) begin to suppress their courageous side. It takes tremendous courage to go toward terrifying places in the psyche. Many protectors avoid stepping out of their roles because they believe the person would be weak and passive without them. Protectors always have intense fears about allowing clients to open the door to Exiles they locked away years ago in inner dark places. When a client says they are afraid to do something, we know a part in their inner world is speaking. But once the part understands the fearless nature of the Self, its fear (and emotional pain, shame, and rage) surrenders.

IFS Therapy has 4 Goals:

1. To liberate parts from the roles they have been forced into, freeing them to be who they were designed to be.

2. To restore faith in The Self and in Self-Leadership.

3. To re-harmonize the inner system.

4. To encourage the person or client to become increasingly Self-led in their interactions with the world.

So, What Does This All Mean? 

The intention of IFS is for the client to access, experience, and be Self-led, to feel safe, to learn their inner world, and understand how their parts work together or against each other in order to protect them. The more we learn and understand about our parts and what they are trying to tell us; it then becomes easier to identify when they get activated. Understanding who we are, where we have been, and what has hurt us, is what is going to give us the opportunities to heal ourselves. The end goal is to be able to be our own saviors, but to get there we must be willing to surrender and be open to learning. 

Once a person experiences faith in The Self and in Self-leadership, the IFS therapist seeks to help the client develop the Eight C’s. 

The Eight C’s

Curiosity: The client learns to be inquisitive, and have interest rather than be judgmental or fearful. This is where one comes with no agenda, one just wants to learn, know, and understand. There is a sense of feeling at ease and moving forward with wonder. There is a sense of safety that opens the door to vulnerability. 

Calm: After being in a high alert state, where one’s nervous system is often aroused, Self-leadership does the opposite by creating a sense of calm that is both physical and mental. The client is able to accept life on its own terms and there is a sense of resilience and assertiveness. 

Courage: When a client says they are afraid to do something in the inner world, we know a part is speaking. But once the part understands the fearless nature of The Self, its fear (and emotional pain, shame, and rage) surrenders. 

Confidence: The Self validates and comforts its Exiles bringing about an infectious air of confidence, conveying to protector parts that it is safe to relax instead of trying to “let it go and move on” (the typical protector advice that encourages people to abandon and isolate their burdened young parts), injuries can be healed. When Exiles are unburdened, the system becomes less delicate and less reactive, and protective parts are more inclined to trust Self-leadership. 

Connectedness: The Self, in its natural state, experiences the sense of connectedness. Instead of trying really hard to obtain a connection with someone, through trauma bonding.  The Self can now move through the world in harmony. Connectedness links with calm and confidence which altogether links up The Divine. 

The Divine: Through extensive research by Dr. Richard Schwartz this is what he describes as The Divine. “Though they used different words, all the esoteric traditions within the major religions – Buddhism, Hinduism, Christianity, Judaism, Islam – emphasized their same core belief: we are sparks of the eternal flame, manifestations of the absolute ground of being. It turns out that the Divine within – what the Christians call the soul or Christ Consciousness, Buddhists call Buddha Nature, the Hindus Atman, the Taoists Tao, the Sufis the Beloved, the Quakers the Inner Light.” 

Clarity: One can see things more clearly. The distortions are no longer in effect and the extreme beliefs ease as one can see authenticity. Our vision is clear when we see through the eyes of the Self versus when our vision is distorted through the eyes of extreme parts.

Creativity: It’s believed that once the inner turmoil and constant struggle start to quiet down and The Self becomes the leader (aka Self-led), creativity can emerge naturally. This means once the managers start to relax, we can problem-solve with greater ease which becomes second nature. 

Compassion:  Once a client finds some separation or healthy distance from their angry or scared part, they can now see these parts from a compassionate lens.  They can express how sad or sorry they are for those parts and are willing to help them heal. This inherent desire to help their suffering parts signifies and taps into compassion. 

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I hope that after reading all this information there is a part of you that feels compelled to explore IFS. I want to say to “the part” of you that has that interest, that feels like it has been lost, in pain, or any other unresolved feelings; you are important and you deserve to be seen and heard. If you are wondering which part that might be, I am talking to your Self-led part; the part that might be hiding in the shadows for a while. 

We live in a time where we are overworked, overwhelmed, on the go, not getting enough sleep, expecting to be everything and nothing at all, where we have to walk on eggshells, but make a difference. It’s no wonder that our Self-led part feels so overwhelmed and just lost. This is the time when we need to slow down and rebel; which translates to going inside, getting curious about your parts, and reconnecting to who we truly are meant to be.

I know it might sound like a big ask, yet if you go back and read about The Eight C’s and imagine experiencing them, I think it’s all worth the journey of healing. The idea of feeling liberated is what motivates me through the IFS lens. I wish for you and my clients to feel liberated from whatever has been holding you back from being your most authentic self and be connected to your Divine. 

So, next time you have those internal conversations bring awareness to what each part is saying, and ask them what they truly need. They are trying to protect you even if they might sound very harsh or act maladaptively; they just haven’t learned a better way, yet, to communicate with you. Even if you don’t think you have the power within you to heal, to reframe those inner dialogues; you actually do, it’s inside you.

Resources for Consideration

Books: IFS online store | IFS Institute 

Videos: Dr. Richard Schwartz explains Internal Family Systems (IFS) Dr. Richard Schwartz Has A Radical Approach To Healing

Podcast: Multiplicity of the Mind: An Approach To Healing the Inner Self | Dr. Richard Schwartz X Rich Roll

Utilizing The Transtheoretical Model or ‘Stages of Change’ to Better Understand Your Addiction

By Concentric Counselor Charles Weiss, LCPC

If the dopaminergic receptors in my brain didn’t make me feel so good when stimulated and weren’t so intertwined as well as interwoven with my serotonin levels and that my GABA receptors didn’t inhibit my nerve transmission leading to my brain activity level to be depressed, I would have never used in the first place.  Do people who suffer from addictions really think like this?  Do they really understand the intricacies on how drugs affect the brain and other physiological aspects of their bodies?  If they had that insight or answers, would they still want to get high, continue rationalizing the reasons in which they use or actually seek out help?

For the change process of the individual to be effective and impactful, it is helpful to better understand how certain drugs affect the brain.  Different drugs when taken affect different aspects of our brain functioning.  For example, alcohol is a depressant, which slows down or depresses our Central Nervous System, which helps reduce anxiety and inhibit relaxation in our body.  It slows down brain activity through binding with GABA receptors to help with minimizing racing thoughts, rapid breathing and quick pulse.  Substances like opioids and stimulants, that target the pleasure center in our brain, which involves the Dopamine neurotransmitter, provide us with that “feel good response” that makes it more difficult for people who are addicted to want to quit.  Let’s not forget the cannabinoid receptors that are naturally occurring neurotransmitters that our brain produces, which Tetrahydrocannabinol (THC) and cannabidiol latches onto.  When this occurs, we often experience a more euphoric feeling and our sensory perceptions are often enhanced, which also increases the level of dopamine that is being produced in our brain.  This list is just to name a few of the more widely used substances individuals can become addicted too. 

Substances have the propensity to be both psychologically and physiologically addicting, meaning either the body and/or our mind needs the drug to avoid potential withdrawal.  Not everyone who tries a substance for the first time will become instantly addicted, however, it can increase their risk of them wanting to try it again because of how it made them feel. 

It is not just the neurochemistry in the brain that makes a person struggling with addiction want to use, but the stages of the change they are in can have an impact and effect into the chronicity of their use.  Prochaska and DiClemente postulated a Transtheoretical Model or what many might know as the “Stages of Changes” that people can experience when it comes to their understanding their addiction and their willingness to cease it. 

This model has 5 stages that an addict can experience, with a sixth called Relapse, which I will discuss later, that indicate the individual’s willingness of wanting to continue or cease the use of the substance(s). This model can also apply to a wide range of other behavioral challenges that individuals are having an arduous time in overcoming, not such substance use, abuse, or dependence. 

Stage 1- Precontemplation

Pre-contemplation is when an individual doesn’t think they have a problem with the drug and/or substance they are using and aren’t willing to change their behavior.  Oftentimes these individuals are in denial that their addiction is a problem, they have not connected the experience of the negative consequences of their addiction or understand the severity of their addiction at this time.  They are currently enjoying and appreciating the positive and pleasurable effected of their addiction, the “high” and positive aspects of the substance they are using due to neurotransmitters that substance targets to cause this affect.  It often isn’t until the individual begins to experience more of the negative aspects of the substance (i.e.: withdrawals, negative consequences from their addiction), will the individual begin to consider they might have a problem and move from pre-contemplation to the contemplation stage.

Stage 2 - Contemplation   

Contemplation stage typically occurs when individuals have the self-talk about the challenges and struggles in wanting to make a behavior change, yet are unable to pull the trigger at this stage and follow through with their thoughts of wanting to change or cut down their use.  Individuals are typically open to listening to advice on how they can change their behavior, to gain a bit more insight into their addiction, understanding the consequences of their addiction, but have not established and/or developed a specific plan on how they would like to change their behavior.  Utilizing a non-judgmental attitude and motivational approaches to encourage change, such as beginning to teach individuals a harm reduction approach, can help propel the individual towards the preparation stage of change.

Stage 3 – Preparation

During this stage of change, individuals are starting to become more committed into wanting to change their behavior and develop plans on how they can begin minimizing the frequency and occurrence in which they are using substances.  Individuals start to gain more insight into the impact and effects the substances have on their level of functioning and the dysregulation of neurochemistry in their brain through collecting and gathering resources either provided to them or investigating these resources for themselves.  They become more cognizant of their triggers and begin learning more effective strategies to minimize the occurrence of them as well as seeking out and developing healthier support systems to aide in their recovery.  Individuals begin to gain more insight into the consequences their addiction is having on their level of functioning.

Stage 4 – Action

As the insight and introspection into their addiction becomes more “front and center”, individuals are able to begin developing plans to implement to aide in their recovery.  Now all the preparation that was exerted and exhibited in the previous stage can be put into motion.  As stressful as this stage can be, it is the best time when interventions such as seeking out a Certified Drug and Alcohol Counselor (CADC), licensed therapist or going to a substance abuse or detox center can be most impactful and continue to move as well as guide the individual towards their recovery.  With a trained and licensed professional, appropriate and realistic goals can be established to be addressed gradually as well as developing more adaptive over maladaptive coping skills that are taught to help move the individual towards the maintenance stage.

Stage 5 & 6 – Maintenance/Relapse

After the strenuous time it takes into in acknowledging, accepting and putting into motion plans that become action, maintenance follows.  This is time in which the individual is able to maintain sobriety for at least 6 months of implementing everything they have learned in treatment and progress on the goals they have developed for themselves.  During this time, individuals might begin to feel complacent or feel like there is some plateau they have reached with their progress, that defaulting into their maladaptive habits might be inevitable.  However, with the continual commitment and support to their recovery, maintenance can be an obtainable long-term goal. 

Part of any recovery can be relapse, although not everyone experiences relapse(s).  When an individual relapses, they don’t necessary default back to Stage 1 - Precontemplation.  If the individual is committed and with ongoing positive support they have created for themselves, they might only fall back a stage to Action and/or potentially Preparation Stage.  It unfortunately might take an individual several relapses before they are fully committed to the change process.  The goal is never to give up and continuing reinforcing yourself of your commitment of wanting to make the behavior change in being able to abstain from one’s substance of choice, such as alcohol or illicit substances.

If you or a loved one is struggling with any addiction, please seek out professional help. There are countless resources available that can help and aide you in your recovery.  Change doesn’t happen overnight, but understanding as well as acknowledging that you might have a problem is the first step in your journey to change and living a healthier and more fulfilling lifestyle.  This Transtheoretical Model or Stages of Change by Prochaska and DiClemente might not be applicable to everyone, but it can be applied broadly to anyone who is willing and wanting make the necessary change to improve their overall lifestyle and to be a better you. 

Men, Loneliness, and the Substance Substitute

By Concentric Counselor Myron Nelson, LCPC

We know it is true when we take stock of our lives, although it is easier to simply ignore. We do not have the same number of friends that we used to. We definitely do not have the same number of close friends, friends we could call in an emergency. Whether it is technology taking up more of our time, a culture that promotes handling problems on your own, or some other reason, it is clear we do not connect in the same way.

Due to factors that will be explored in this blog post, half of the population is more vulnerable to the Great Friend Migration. Men, myself included, are bombarded with societal forces that encourage segregation. We are instructed to cope with problems silently, internally. Isolate yourself or be shamed. We are taught to detest emotions, push them down or aside but do not let them grow. Best to not spend time with other people if we are in an emotional state.

Consequently, our problems grow bigger, the stress becomes heavier, and the emotions continue to build up until we are neck deep. Keeping quiet and keeping it to ourselves, we fall deeper into our own thoughts. Expecting that other people do not want to be burdened with our issues. We drift apart from friends because we do not know how our problems could possibly fit into their lives.

What’s next? We turn to something that can help. Something that makes us feel better, it’s reliable, it’s dependable, it does not judge us, and it does not share our secrets. Alcohol and other drugs can become a refuge for emotional pain. They can buffer feelings of anxiety or depression and temporarily give us the mask we want to keep the facade going.

Alcohol and drugs can slowly become something we depend on but that dependency is dangerous. What starts as a solution to the problem becomes its own problem. Substances attempt to fill the void that other people used to, but they will never be enough. Substances can never talk back to us and make us feel cared for and understood. They cannot debate options with us and challenge us to be better. Substances offer complacency but relationships give us acceptance and growth. It takes courage and a leap of faith to connect with another man and share your problems but it is truest the solution.

The irony is, that we all want to lean on each other but are scared to lean first. It is society’s expectation about men and men’s expectations about society that propel this problem into an epidemic. When we let our predictions go and venture into reality, it’s clear that other men feel the same way we do and we can meet each other with compassion and caring.

Men are not inherently isolating and society is not inherently cold. Expect that other people feel the way you feel. Expect that as a man you will experience things that other men experience. Expect that others want to know about your struggles because they want to be able to lean on you too.

If you find yourself experiencing The Great Friend Migration, convincing yourself that filling your loneliness with substances is better than the alternative - opening up, reaching out, and relying on a male friend, I encourage you to stand up to your shame, choose connection, and lean it to a friend.