Ask the Therapist? How to Help a Young Child with Anxiety Issues?

By Concentric Counselors Jennifer Larson, LCPC, NCC & Ashley Allis, LCPC, NCC

Over this past weekend, we participated as one of the local small businesses at the Sauganash Small Business & Eco Fair.  This Fair was open to the public and was an opportunity to build relationships within the community as well as to raise money for Sauganash Elementary, a Chicago Public Schools (CPS), which continues to experience cuts that impact the educational needs of the students and teachers.

At this event, we offered Ask The Therapist? -- an opportunity for people who visited our table to write down an anonymous question related to mental health and well-being issues that they or a loved one may be facing.  Over the upcoming weeks, we will be posting the anonymous questions and our answers.  So, feel free to re-visit this blog.

Ask The Therapist? is to provide some helpful information, guidance, and resources only.  This information is not intended to give a diagnosis, replace child, adolescent & family therapy, or provide treatment recommendations for a mental health disorder. Make sure you see your doctor or mental health provider if you think you or a loved one may have symptoms of a mental health disorder which warrants professional help.

HOW DO YOU HELP A YOUNG CHILD WITH ANXIETY ISSUES?

Parents play a big role in helping young children manage their anxiety. When a child uses coping tools and their brave behavior is praised, young children can learn to manage their anxiety and gain confidence.  Sometimes parents become anxious when their child experiences anxiety that they think the best option is to become overprotective or to enable the child to avoid the very thing or situation that triggers anxiety.  Avoidance can lead to fueling and increasing the anxiety.

The first step would be to tell your child what anxiety is, how it shows up in our thoughts, physical sensations, emotions, and behaviors, and that anxiety is normal to experience.  You can help your child identify how he or she experiences worry physically in his or her body, such as some children feel butterflies in their stomach, their hands may get sweaty, or behaviorally as they may want to hide. If you as a parent have anxiety, you can share your anxiety which can be validating and normalizing for your child.   

The next step would be to identify the type of anxiety (and its respective triggers) and to learn tools that can help your child reduce their anxiety.  You can become educated by learning the many tools for helping your child learn how to manage his or her thoughts, physical sensations, emotions, and behaviors. 

Filling up a toolbox of tools can be one of the most helpful ways to assist your child with anxiety issues.  Examples of some coping tools could be coloring, squeezing a ball, deep breathing, engaging in positive thoughts, and coming up with comforting, visual imagery.  You can encourage your child to ‘test’ those tools out and see which ones are more effective.   Also, encourage your child to come up with ideas that will help the anxiety.  This ownership can instill confidence, a sense of responsibility, and hopefulness. 

For more resources on childhood anxiety, check out:  http://www.anxietybc.com/parenting/childhood-anxiety  http://www.anxietybc.com/parenting/complete-home-tool-kit

To learn more about our specific services, check out:  Child, Adolescent & Family Therapy AND Solution-Focused Services for Parents

Should I Stay or Should I Go? After the Affair

By Concentric Counselor Jennifer Larson, LCPC, NCC

You have discovered or have been told that your partner has been having an affair.  You’ve been hit by a ton of bricks engulfed by a tsunami of emotions ranging from anger, resentment, wanting to seek revenge to sadness, despair and helplessness.  One of the first questions that may arise is “Should I stay or should I go?”  While the answer is there and is different for everyone, you may not have an immediate answer or you unequivocally have the answer and are already in the height of your action plan.  Whether you do not know the answer or are in overdrive planning every detail of your action plan, let me suggest hitting the pause button and consider these steps.    

1. Do not make any immediate decisions regarding your marriage.  You are experiencing one of life’s most devastating and traumatic events which flood you with emotional intensity overriding judgment and reasoning.  Acting now may entail regrets later.  Remember your relationship with your spouse and family has developed over time.  Your marriage and children are one of your biggest life’s investments which warrant time to determine this important decision and its lifelong impact.  

2. Experience your feelings and sit with your values.  Experience your feelings as they arise.   Take note of how your upbringing, values, or religious beliefs may play a role in figuring out what to do.  Grab a journal and write it all out.  

3. Talk with those you trust.  You will want to obtain support from others.  Select a few people you truly trust.  Telling everyone can be very damaging by creating more confusion and chaos.  Not to mention, if you and your spouse decide to stay together, some family and friends may not be able to recover and re-integrate into your family.  

4. Begin a self-care program.  Taking care of yourself is vital to your well-being during this time.  Tune into the basics, such as a getting adequate sleep, eating a healthy, balanced diet, and exercising.  You may want to shift your focus by picking up a hobby or enrolling in a fun class. 

5. Remain committed to other areas of your life.  Continue to be present by focusing on your children, going to work, and taking care of your household.

6. Confront your spouse. Find the appropriate time and environment to ask your spouse general questions about the affair.  Do not engage in ‘pain shopping’ by demanding nitty-gritty details that will only be more traumatic. 

7. Become educated.  Read some books about infidelity and begin to understand the various contributing factors that can lead to infidelity.  

8. Get counseling and therapy.  Meet with an individual therapist for guidance and support during this time especially given the risk of depression and anxiety.  Seeking couples therapy will be important if the goals are to explore and understand the contributing factors to the infidelity; to repair, heal, and rebuild the marriage; or to transition to separation and divorce.   

9. Consult with a lawyer.  You may want to obtain general information about your rights and the legal process. 

10.  Do we tell our children?  Infidelity does affect children.  There is no hard and fast answer to this question.  It depends on various factors, some include the type of infidelity, whether children know or are at risk of discovering, age of children, and whether parents remain together or divorce.  A therapist can guide parents as to what to and what not to share based on these factors.  

Experiencing unfaithfulness in marriage is one of the most crushing experiences a person can go through.  Engaging in these steps will help you get through the pain in the best way possible with integrity.  They can also help you gain greater insight and awareness into your marriage and determine the answer and the best course of action for you and your family.

One Way Chicagoans' Mental Health May be Compromised

By Concentric Counselor Jennifer Larson, LCPC, NCC

A little insight into the world of counseling:  Generally in therapy, psychotherapists tend to help and understand people’s concerns, challenges, and symptoms within the contexts of relationships and environments.  Typically, the focus of those relationships and environments are explored on a micro-level.  When I say micro-level, I am referring to the inner circles within a concentric circle (an example is Bronfenbreener’s Ecological Theory of Development concentric circle).

The innermost circle represents the individual person and everything inherent about this person.  The next inner circle represents the more direct people and environments in that person’s life, such as one’s family, friends, work and school peers as well as one’s home, school, or place of work.  It is not to say that as therapists we do not explore an individual’s macro-level or larger influential social, economic, and cultural systems, but in general we tend to focus on the more intimate aspects of one’s life in psychotherapy. 

Today I want to take the time to zoom out and acknowledge the macro systems operating in Chicago and the state of Illinois and its impact on individuals and families.  A time to honor Chicagoans and others who may live, work, or attend school in Chicago who are consistently impacted by the long-standing city and state’s financial woes and troubles.  As someone who lives, works, and listens to people in Chicago, I understand these can be difficult times for many who are consistently dismayed, frustrated, and down-right angry with our government and politics. 

It can be hard for some to take time-outs and breaks from the constant chatter, news, and information that circulate and hovers around us.  Whether it is a lack of an Illinois state budget, Chicago Public Schools’ (CPS) financial troubles and recent budget cuts, Chicago’s crimes, many services and programs cut, problems within the Chicago Police Department, or the increased cost of living -- the list is long, and the impact is real. 

These macro-systems affect individuals and families on many levels, including compromised mental health and well-being.  If you can relate and find these city and state-wide issues are real to you and impact your emotional and psychological well-being, you are most certainly not alone.  Everyone deals and copes in different ways, such as being vocal and advocating for change, getting into decision-making mode with preparing and planning, or internalizing all of it finding a way to distract and escape from it. 

I encourage you to acknowledge, emote, and talk about the impact of these larger systems on your life, but I also encourage you not to get completely engulfed and swept away in it.  It’s not good for your mental health.  There is an analogy in mindfulness which encourages people to step behind the waterfall and simply watch and acknowledge its presence and details, but not to jump into it which would lead to a tumultuous ride and possibly and ultimately, one’s demise.  Conversely, do not turn your back to it and ignore or deny its reality.    

If you find that you are feeling the weight of our local news and politics, bringing you down or increasing  your anxiety, take a moment to acknowledge, but then step back and shift your attention to something that restores you such as connecting with others, reading a book, connecting to your body with movement or getting into a creative space.  After all, we cannot control all of the external happenings in our life, but we can control how we cope and respond. Hope you are able to carve out some 'self-care' time during these times.    

Response to Johann Tari's TED Talk: What's Really Wrong Here

By Concentric Counselor Jennifer Larson, LCPC, NCC

Admittedly I do not carve enough time to watch or listen to TED talks.  One of my clients referenced how she will listen to them particularly when she’s cooking dinner.  My dinner routine typically entails listening to music in the background, catching glimpses of my son playing a game or doing his homework, or practicing mindfulness to be present when making dinner in effort to de-clutter my head space and take a reprieve from the perpetual tasks of multi-tasking. 

Listening to a TED talk while cooking dinner never dawned on me, and I liked the idea.  So, this past Monday I popped onto TED and scanned the topics.  Everything you think you know about addiction is wrong immediately piqued my interest. 

It jumped out, well because various forms of addiction is all so familiar to me due to my childhood upbringing and how addiction permeated the fabric of my family’s life as well as I am a psychotherapist who helps people to heal and work through their own addictions.  Plus, I was so curious to listen given the title was loaded with terms such as “EVERYTHING you think you know” and “about addiction is WRONG” that I wondered if this somehow applied to my personal experiences and professional knowledge of addictions.  We cannot possible know everything, and I became curious to know if there is information that breaks through the past and current trends about addictions. 

In his TED talk, Johann Tari, a British journalist, speaks about his own relationship to his family members who struggle with addiction, specifically substances.  His thirst for wanting to have a better understanding of what contributes or causes addiction drove him to find the answers.  His journey covers speaking with various people from all walks of life, spanning different cultures.

As I listen to his voyage, I am struck by his journey as he spoke with a street user and a Vancouver Professor of Psychology who conducted experiments with rats in isolation and within a community of rats called “Rat Park” to referencing the Vietnam War and Portuguese approach to decriminalizing drugs. 

In the end, Johann Tari argues it is a lack of human connections that contribute to and maintain addictions.  Conversely, deeper, human individual and societal connections can allay (or treat if you will) addictions. 

While I most certainly agree of the importance of human connections being vital to our biosocial-cognitive-psychological development, overall well-being, and yes, people who suffer from addictions, I have also come to recognize understanding the causes of and treating addictions is far more complex that just forming individual and societal human bonds.  Also, I would like to add we know earlier childhood attachment and social connections play a significant role when understanding addiction, so everything we know about addiction is wrong isn’t entirely accurate. 

Let’s face it, humans and addictions are complex.  We do not know everything there is to understand about the various forms of addictions spanning different social environments and cultures, but we do know quite a bit, and understanding the etiology and treatment of addiction goes beyond just forming human connections.    

Without going into nitty-gritty details, there are many models of addiction.  A few to highlight are the disease model of addiction which looks at the biology, neurobiology, and genetics of an individual as well as his or her social environment.  Some understand addiction by assessing a person’s earlier childhood and developmental attachment with their caregivers, the inherent chemical properties or pharmacology of a substance, and social evolution of groups of people over time (e.g. socio-economic status).  The public health model informs us to look at addiction by understanding the person and his or her vulnerability, the substance and its inherent properties, the vector (who brings the substance in and its incentives), and the social environment that allows and supports the use of substance.  And, the bio-psych-social-spiritual (BPSS) model takes into account the interconnections and interplay of the biology, psychology, social, and spiritual aspects of a person. 

What about process addictions where there is no substance or drug, and subsequently no inherent properties to even consider?  Process addictions are an addiction to an activity or person, such as gambling, spending, Internet, or co-dependency.  And, I have not even touched up treatment and recovery of addiction models which by the way vary depending on who you talk to, the substance or process, the various recovery approaches including 12-step models, and what best fits the individual person within his or her family and community systems. 

So, what started off as a little diversion from my usual dinner preparation routine has prompted me to inform others that we do know a thing or two about addiction and it’s more than just forming human connections.  Some of us may know inherently or through acumen that individual, family, and community connections are necessary and important for our survival, evolution, success, and even recovery, but please know understanding the causes and treatment of addiction go beyond human connections.  Now, that is something we do know.  

Using Your Voice

By Concentric Counselor Jennifer Larson, LCPC, NCC

We believe in the importance of using your voice.  We believe in the importance of honoring one’s needs and wants by giving oneself permission to be vocal in a constructive, productive way.  We believe in being authentic and congruent -- what you are saying is what you are feeling or thinking. 

Sure, there are times and situations where congruency is unwarranted, such as when an acquaintance in passing may ask, “Hi, how are you?”  and you give the proverbial “Fine” response when you are really feeling down and out.  We are not talking about these shop-talk situations, but situations and relationships that evoke something of more significance or meaning to you.  

In the recent months, we have heard many vocalize their needs and wants and subsequently -- Call To Action -- with the shooting of Laquan McDonald.  And just a few days ago, Chicago Public School (CPS) high school students used their voice to express their needs in the Are We Equal? – Chicago Public Schools video:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5tYBf3WA6WI

So, if you have been internalizing, containing your thoughts and feelings of late, we are giving you permission to honor yourself to be congruent and vocal.  Whether you are struggling with a family member, your loved one, friend or a larger system, such as your community or school, we encourage you to use your voice to share or advocate.  We just have one request:  Express yourself in a meaningful way that is mindful and productive.  Go ahead and give it a try.  We believe in you. 

Post Thanksgiving, Keep the Gratitudes Coming

By Jennifer Larson, LCPC, NCC

Most of us have just returned from spending the Thanksgiving holiday with family and friends who are far and near. The Thanksgiving holiday reminds us to reflect upon and express our gratitude to others as the Pilgrims did with the Native Americans over their 3-day feast.  The Native Americans helped the Pilgrims to adapt to a different habitat and culture by teaching them the fundamental skills for survival and living.  This type of relationship is analogous to other relationships, such as parents and children, teachers and students, mentors and mentees. 

If you have not already expressed your gratitude during Thanksgiving -- not to worry.  It’s never too late to express your gratitude to the people who have taken the time to teach you a thing or two or who have simply been there as a source of support.  Sharing your gratitude is not only a gift to the receiver, but also a gift to you as it promotes overall health and well-being.   This is good stuff not to overlook -- so go ahead and start gratituding.      

3 Tips to Transform Your Self-Care Regimen

By Jennifer Larson, LCPC, NCC

Some parents have sent their children off to school.  And others are waiting eagerly or anxiously to send theirs in the upcoming days.  It is usually this time of the year I am eager to remind folks the importance of engaging in a good self-care regimen.  Many parents (and people in general) forget to prioritize one's needs and wants. 

Many of the clients I work with are adept at maintaining their work calendar, their children's school and extracurricular activities, etc.  And yet, usually these same individuals do not have a personal calendar and do not block off time for their personal needs and wants.  I suspect one of the reasons is that most companies require their employees to use their system calendar.  Many schools hand out calendars with posted events.  Nowadays many schools require parents to login into a portal to view their child's classroom and school events.  I suppose no-one really hands out or requires one to use a personal calendar.  In the spirit of full disclosure, I typically do not tell people what to do, but I rather encourage and guide.  Admittedly, I am passionate about self-care.  So, I do highly encourage you (ahem, telling you) to begin to use a personal calendar in effort to transform your self-care regimen.  You are worth it!

Want a little more information on how to transform your self-care?  Here is a short article I wrote earlier in the year which outlines 3 simple tips to transform your self-care.  You deserve it!